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Taking Another Road

It's hard to believe that it's been almost a year since I started this journey.

At first it was fun- imagining myself thin and fit by summer's end.

Then it became difficult and wearisome as I fought the cravings and

the pressure to live up to my goal.

I am in the same place I was in January.

Oh, sure, three or four pounds were shed.

But then they returned.

Bigger and better than ever.

And more determined never to

leave my side again.

Looking back, I know the mistakes I made.

I still feel the depression-

the agony of defeat-

I still wonder how I wandered so far

beyond the path I had set for myself.

I am not proud of the choices I made.

Because that is just what they were.

My choices.

I failed to focus.

To take it all seriously.

To realize how quickly one year flies by.

I am so happy that you came here to follow me.

That you held my hand along the way

and forced me to talk about it.

Thank you all.

But this will be my last entry

in my Finding Thin diary.

It was an experiment in self improvement-

and I suppose it was not a complete failure

if I can step back and see where I need to change.

I believe that diet must coincide

with all other aspects of your life.

If your housework is piling up

and your kids are demanding of you

and your spirits are down-

well, that donut tastes pretty durn good!

But, if you have all other aspects

of your life in order-

if you focus on your life as a whole-

then the weight loss will be as natural

as waking up every morning.

And each day will be easier.

It will all fall into place.

That's why I am making another attempt

at achieving my goals.

Starting January 4th, I will be writing

my new blog titled

Ten in '10.

A daily diary of my attempts to improve and nurture

ten important areas of my life in 2010.

Hopefully, I will become a better person in every way.

Join me.

Let's do it together.

After all, we have nothing to lose...

Hello...It's Me

The year winds down
to a thin silhouette-
and sadly, I haven't.

I'm no better off than I was
last January when I
truly believed that
the weight would
melt like the snow.

I'm a hibernating bear.
A fat cocoon.
A menopausal mama
with multiple chins.

I have told myself
that I will try
a small scale goal.

No sweets till Thanksgiving day.

So- goodbye Halloween candy,
cupcakes and goodies.

I must do this thing!!
I'm losing a part of myself
under this garbage.

I want to be me again.

Tricks and Treats

This weekend my sister
reminded me that
I hadn't posted to my
diet blog as promised.

I guess that October came up
on me so quickly.

Or maybe I just couldn't
bear to write another blog entry
about the struggles of
losing weight.

...About the race
that I am running every single day.

...About how the scenery is always
the same-
the promises are always made...
the intentions are always good...
but I never seem to get past
the first bend in the road.

I dread to think of winter.
Of the subconscious packing on
of weight for warmth.
Of stews and gravies
and holiday sweets.
Of telling myself
just to wait and start again
in January.

But yet-
winter brings that wonderful
chance to hide beneath
bulky sweaters
and thick sweatshirts-
and hide my wings
under long sleeves
and my belly under a coat.

I haven't given up completely.
There are days when I logically
choose a banana over a muffin
or pass on seconds and drink another
glass of water.
Days when I decide to park quite
a distance from the WalMart sign
and walk for exercise.
Or skip dinner and just
eat a salad.
Sometimes I'll trick myself
and avoid the treats.

I still have visions
of what I want to look like.
And how I want to feel.
Of what kind of reaction I
hope to get from those
who love me.

But it seems like a dream.
Like a scene in a horror movie.
I keep running and running
and can't ever reach the safety
of that vision.

I search and search
and try and try
and I can't ever
find thin.

Baby Steps. No- Wait. Snail Steps.

It's another new month again.

I'm sitting here on this
chilly September morning,
sipping hot coffee
and wondering how so much
time has passed
and so little has been done.

I imagined Thanksgiving
and Christmas in my mind...
The slim new me-
the grace and agility of which I moved-
right past the pecan pie
and on to the vegetable platter...
The healthy way I looked...
bright eyes, shiny hair, rosey completion...

Today my eyes are sallow-
my hair dull, my skin a puffy mix
of too much salt and too little sleep.

I keep trying to think of my
own advice.

Baby steps.
Hope.
Belief.
Structure.

On the bright side,
I have lost two pounds
and one inch this month.

Yea, I know-
nothing to break out the confetti for.

But, it's a new starting place.
A new marker.
Another reason not to
give up all together.

I'm still hoping that red sweater
will look fabulous on New Years Eve.

But enough about me-
How are all of you doing?

Fixing Fat

Well, the past week
has not been any easier than
the 200 days that came before it.

I'm still struggling,
but I do feel more aware
of my food choices.
I'm making an extra effort
to avoid sweets
and pastas
and I'm pushing myself a little
harder at Curves.

My oldest daughter has always
worn larger sizes than me,
but yesterday I accompanied her
into the dressing room
while she shopped for new jeans.

Her newly shaped body looked
terrific!

And I couldn't help but notice
that frumpy fat woman
in the mirror
who looked old and worn
and teetering on
the point of no return.

I tried to comfort myself
by reaffirming the fact that
you can't fix "old".

But you can fix "fat".

And,
that is just what I'm
going to continue
trying to do.

I'll be back here the first of
September-
hopefully with a better attitude
and a spark of hope.

Keep it up, girls.

It will all be worth it
in the end.

The Show Must Go On....

There is so much to say.
Yet, there is nothing to say.

You would think that with
200 days to do it-
I could have said it all,
done it all-
finished this journey
with head held high
(and smaller sized clothes).

Back in January,
I honestly thought that I'd
be able to pat myself on the back
come July.
I thought that this would be my
day of celebration and rewards-
of hugging you all
and giving high-fives all around.

I never thought the journey
would be easy.
But I thought it would
be possible.

I still think that.

I just wasn't propelled.
I wasn't strict enough-
I didn't stay the course-
I didn't avoid the pitfalls-
(or ignore the donuts!).

But this journey has not been in vain.

Along the way, I've met
some great friends.
Knowing you have been there
rooting for me every day
has been a blessing to me-
and I thank you all-
whomever you may be.

And, if you have met with success-
let me be the first to congratulate you
on a job well done.
You look amazing!

As a result of this journey,
I may not have Found Thin-
but I found a part of myself along the way.

I've also found that it's better to have a plan
and not just set sail into the darkness.
Write it down.
Do it.
Follow it.
Live it.

(And don't wait till Monday!)

I've found that it's okay to laugh
at yourself-
But it's also okay to cry, too.

I've found that heavy people
can still be happy.
They can still dance,
and sing,
and make love.
They can still be somebody.
The only thing holding them back
is themselves.
(Or a size 44 bra!)

I've realized that Hollywood
is full of a bunch of
starving bitches
who don't deserve my time
or attention.

I've realized you can't hide
a candy bar for very long-
Because you might forget
what day you gave birth
to your first child-
but you will never, ever,
forget where you hid
that candy bar.

I've realized that One Cup
does not mean a coffee mug
filled to the top,
or an ounce doesn't mean
whatever will fit in a taco.

I've realized that
the scale is my friend
and not the enemy.
It is truthful,
does not criticize,
and is always there
waiting for me each morning.

I've realized there are some people
that are always gonna love you-
no matter what size you are.
And there are people that will
never love you-
no matter how thin you are.

I've realized that forward
is the only direction.
It does no good to look back.
To say what was-
what could have been-
past weight and old clothes
and days that are no more...

It is a new day.
A new life.
A new journey.

I have come to realize
that each and every day of life
is a commitment.
To God,
our spouses,
and ourselves.

We must not forget
that it is up to us
to fortify and strengthen
these commitments.
They do not exist without us.
They will not survive
if we do not nurture and direct them.

We must stand firm,
yet tread gently.
We must love ourselves
no matter the circumstances.
We must always hold our heads high
(and never compare ourselves
to Angelina Jolie!)

I've found out that a diet
is just a tool.
And you have to use it properly
or it doesn't work.

I've found out that a diet
is a vehicle.
It will take you where you
want to go-
if you provide the proper fuel.
Too much grease and fat
will put you in the repair shop
down in Fat Town
and your journey will be delayed.

I've discovered that good intentions
are never enough-
Actions speak louder than words.
And no-fat cottage cheese
tastes like paper pulp.

I have decided that I will
start a new journey.
The first day of every month,
I will post my progress
right here on this blog.

I'd like you all to comment with
your progress, your stories-
your commitment.

So-
it's not over.
It has just begun.

Thank you for all your
support and prayers
and slaps on the hand.

I'm still here for you, too.

The new ship sails on August 1st.
Come see me if you want to ride along.

Love, Peace, and Rice Cakes!
Rae