Tricks and Treats

This weekend my sister
reminded me that
I hadn't posted to my
diet blog as promised.

I guess that October came up
on me so quickly.

Or maybe I just couldn't
bear to write another blog entry
about the struggles of
losing weight.

...About the race
that I am running every single day.

...About how the scenery is always
the same-
the promises are always made...
the intentions are always good...
but I never seem to get past
the first bend in the road.

I dread to think of winter.
Of the subconscious packing on
of weight for warmth.
Of stews and gravies
and holiday sweets.
Of telling myself
just to wait and start again
in January.

But yet-
winter brings that wonderful
chance to hide beneath
bulky sweaters
and thick sweatshirts-
and hide my wings
under long sleeves
and my belly under a coat.

I haven't given up completely.
There are days when I logically
choose a banana over a muffin
or pass on seconds and drink another
glass of water.
Days when I decide to park quite
a distance from the WalMart sign
and walk for exercise.
Or skip dinner and just
eat a salad.
Sometimes I'll trick myself
and avoid the treats.

I still have visions
of what I want to look like.
And how I want to feel.
Of what kind of reaction I
hope to get from those
who love me.

But it seems like a dream.
Like a scene in a horror movie.
I keep running and running
and can't ever reach the safety
of that vision.

I search and search
and try and try
and I can't ever
find thin.