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Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Tricks and Treats


This weekend my sister
reminded me that
I hadn't posted to my
diet blog as promised.

I guess that October came up
on me so quickly.

Or maybe I just couldn't
bear to write another blog entry
about the struggles of
losing weight.

...About the race
that I am running every single day.

...About how the scenery is always
the same-
the promises are always made...
the intentions are always good...
but I never seem to get past
the first bend in the road.

I dread to think of winter.
Of the subconscious packing on
of weight for warmth.
Of stews and gravies
and holiday sweets.
Of telling myself
just to wait and start again
in January.

But yet-
winter brings that wonderful
chance to hide beneath
bulky sweaters
and thick sweatshirts-
and hide my wings
under long sleeves
and my belly under a coat.

I haven't given up completely.
There are days when I logically
choose a banana over a muffin
or pass on seconds and drink another
glass of water.
Days when I decide to park quite
a distance from the WalMart sign
and walk for exercise.
Or skip dinner and just
eat a salad.
Sometimes I'll trick myself
and avoid the treats.

I still have visions
of what I want to look like.
And how I want to feel.
Of what kind of reaction I
hope to get from those
who love me.

But it seems like a dream.
Like a scene in a horror movie.
I keep running and running
and can't ever reach the safety
of that vision.

I search and search
and try and try
and I can't ever
find thin.

4 comments:

mistaya's M.O.M. said...

Rae, whatever your choice is I do hope that you can just be happy with yourself and love this life we have.I have to admit that now that I have lost most of my weight I look back and I am amazed that I did it. At the time it seemed like such hard work, but now I can't beleive how fast the time went by. Whatever we do, how ever we live this life, we need to love ourselves and honor ourselves everyday. Your writing talent is to be envied and your love of family is fabulous. No matter what your size is, I think you are an amazing person. Gail

Rae said...

Okay, Gail...you got me in tears.
Thanks! It's funny how I started out hoping to encourage others and instead I have found that I received more support than I really gave. Congrats on your success! I know I will make it. The question is when?
I consider you a great friend even though we've never met.:)

sisterlinda said...

This story is just like my own. I just keep on struggling but I do keep on hoping! You and I WILL find thin, maybe not as soon as we had wanted, BUT we will!

Margaret LaVonne Hall said...

Finding Thin....That FOREVER challenge. My problem is my guilt of actually finding "thinner" and then feeling like a pig at slop time, goin' for everything in sight~!! I cannot see myself thin anymore, darn it! Oh, make no mistake, I am still trying to FIND THIN...I make myself angry with ME, and as I know better, we need to love ourselves...Easy said, as I slide into my stretch pants...*sigh*..Let's do it!! Let's roll!!