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Sunday, November 29, 2009

Taking Another Road


It's hard to believe that it's been almost a year since I started this journey.
At first it was fun- imagining myself thin and fit by summer's end.
Then it became difficult and wearisome as I fought the cravings and
the pressure to live up to my goal.

I am in the same place I was in January.
Oh, sure, three or four pounds were shed.
But then they returned.
Bigger and better than ever.
And more determined never to
leave my side again.

Looking back, I know the mistakes I made.
I still feel the depression-
the agony of defeat-
I still wonder how I wandered so far
beyond the path I had set for myself.

I am not proud of the choices I made.
Because that is just what they were.
My choices.

I failed to focus.
To take it all seriously.
To realize how quickly one year flies by.

I am so happy that you came here to follow me.
That you held my hand along the way
and forced me to talk about it.

Thank you all.

But this will be my last entry
in my Finding Thin diary.
It was an experiment in self improvement-
and I suppose it was not a complete failure
if I can step back and see where I need to change.

I believe that diet must coincide
with all other aspects of your life.

If your housework is piling up
and your kids are demanding of you
and your spirits are down-
well, that donut tastes pretty durn good!

But, if you have all other aspects
of your life in order-
if you focus on your life as a whole-
then the weight loss will be as natural
as waking up every morning.
And each day will be easier.

It will all fall into place.

That's why I am making another attempt
at achieving my goals.
Starting January 4th, I will be writing
my new blog titled
Ten in '10.

A daily diary of my attempts to improve and nurture
ten important areas of my life in 2010.

Hopefully, I will become a better person in every way.

Join me.
Let's do it together.

After all, we have nothing to lose...



Monday, November 2, 2009

Hello...It's Me


The year winds down
to a thin silhouette-
and sadly, I haven't.

I'm no better off than I was
last January when I
truly believed that
the weight would
melt like the snow.

I'm a hibernating bear.
A fat cocoon.
A menopausal mama
with multiple chins.

I have told myself
that I will try
a small scale goal.

No sweets till Thanksgiving day.

So- goodbye Halloween candy,
cupcakes and goodies.

I must do this thing!!
I'm losing a part of myself
under this garbage.

I want to be me again.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Tricks and Treats


This weekend my sister
reminded me that
I hadn't posted to my
diet blog as promised.

I guess that October came up
on me so quickly.

Or maybe I just couldn't
bear to write another blog entry
about the struggles of
losing weight.

...About the race
that I am running every single day.

...About how the scenery is always
the same-
the promises are always made...
the intentions are always good...
but I never seem to get past
the first bend in the road.

I dread to think of winter.
Of the subconscious packing on
of weight for warmth.
Of stews and gravies
and holiday sweets.
Of telling myself
just to wait and start again
in January.

But yet-
winter brings that wonderful
chance to hide beneath
bulky sweaters
and thick sweatshirts-
and hide my wings
under long sleeves
and my belly under a coat.

I haven't given up completely.
There are days when I logically
choose a banana over a muffin
or pass on seconds and drink another
glass of water.
Days when I decide to park quite
a distance from the WalMart sign
and walk for exercise.
Or skip dinner and just
eat a salad.
Sometimes I'll trick myself
and avoid the treats.

I still have visions
of what I want to look like.
And how I want to feel.
Of what kind of reaction I
hope to get from those
who love me.

But it seems like a dream.
Like a scene in a horror movie.
I keep running and running
and can't ever reach the safety
of that vision.

I search and search
and try and try
and I can't ever
find thin.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Baby Steps. No- Wait. Snail Steps.


It's another new month again.

I'm sitting here on this
chilly September morning,
sipping hot coffee
and wondering how so much
time has passed
and so little has been done.

I imagined Thanksgiving
and Christmas in my mind...
The slim new me-
the grace and agility of which I moved-
right past the pecan pie
and on to the vegetable platter...
The healthy way I looked...
bright eyes, shiny hair, rosey completion...

Today my eyes are sallow-
my hair dull, my skin a puffy mix
of too much salt and too little sleep.

I keep trying to think of my
own advice.

Baby steps.
Hope.
Belief.
Structure.

On the bright side,
I have lost two pounds
and one inch this month.

Yea, I know-
nothing to break out the confetti for.

But, it's a new starting place.
A new marker.
Another reason not to
give up all together.

I'm still hoping that red sweater
will look fabulous on New Years Eve.

But enough about me-
How are all of you doing?

Friday, July 31, 2009

Fixing Fat


Well, the past week
has not been any easier than
the 200 days that came before it.

I'm still struggling,
but I do feel more aware
of my food choices.
I'm making an extra effort
to avoid sweets
and pastas
and I'm pushing myself a little
harder at Curves.

My oldest daughter has always
worn larger sizes than me,
but yesterday I accompanied her
into the dressing room
while she shopped for new jeans.

Her newly shaped body looked
terrific!

And I couldn't help but notice
that frumpy fat woman
in the mirror
who looked old and worn
and teetering on
the point of no return.

I tried to comfort myself
by reaffirming the fact that
you can't fix "old".

But you can fix "fat".

And,
that is just what I'm
going to continue
trying to do.

I'll be back here the first of
September-
hopefully with a better attitude
and a spark of hope.

Keep it up, girls.

It will all be worth it
in the end.

Friday, July 24, 2009

The Show Must Go On....


There is so much to say.
Yet, there is nothing to say.

You would think that with
200 days to do it-
I could have said it all,
done it all-
finished this journey
with head held high
(and smaller sized clothes).

Back in January,
I honestly thought that I'd
be able to pat myself on the back
come July.
I thought that this would be my
day of celebration and rewards-
of hugging you all
and giving high-fives all around.

I never thought the journey
would be easy.
But I thought it would
be possible.

I still think that.

I just wasn't propelled.
I wasn't strict enough-
I didn't stay the course-
I didn't avoid the pitfalls-
(or ignore the donuts!).

But this journey has not been in vain.

Along the way, I've met
some great friends.
Knowing you have been there
rooting for me every day
has been a blessing to me-
and I thank you all-
whomever you may be.

And, if you have met with success-
let me be the first to congratulate you
on a job well done.
You look amazing!

As a result of this journey,
I may not have Found Thin-
but I found a part of myself along the way.

I've also found that it's better to have a plan
and not just set sail into the darkness.
Write it down.
Do it.
Follow it.
Live it.

(And don't wait till Monday!)

I've found that it's okay to laugh
at yourself-
But it's also okay to cry, too.

I've found that heavy people
can still be happy.
They can still dance,
and sing,
and make love.
They can still be somebody.
The only thing holding them back
is themselves.
(Or a size 44 bra!)

I've realized that Hollywood
is full of a bunch of
starving bitches
who don't deserve my time
or attention.

I've realized you can't hide
a candy bar for very long-
Because you might forget
what day you gave birth
to your first child-
but you will never, ever,
forget where you hid
that candy bar.

I've realized that One Cup
does not mean a coffee mug
filled to the top,
or an ounce doesn't mean
whatever will fit in a taco.

I've realized that
the scale is my friend
and not the enemy.
It is truthful,
does not criticize,
and is always there
waiting for me each morning.

I've realized there are some people
that are always gonna love you-
no matter what size you are.
And there are people that will
never love you-
no matter how thin you are.

I've realized that forward
is the only direction.
It does no good to look back.
To say what was-
what could have been-
past weight and old clothes
and days that are no more...

It is a new day.
A new life.
A new journey.

I have come to realize
that each and every day of life
is a commitment.
To God,
our spouses,
and ourselves.

We must not forget
that it is up to us
to fortify and strengthen
these commitments.
They do not exist without us.
They will not survive
if we do not nurture and direct them.

We must stand firm,
yet tread gently.
We must love ourselves
no matter the circumstances.
We must always hold our heads high
(and never compare ourselves
to Angelina Jolie!)

I've found out that a diet
is just a tool.
And you have to use it properly
or it doesn't work.

I've found out that a diet
is a vehicle.
It will take you where you
want to go-
if you provide the proper fuel.
Too much grease and fat
will put you in the repair shop
down in Fat Town
and your journey will be delayed.

I've discovered that good intentions
are never enough-
Actions speak louder than words.
And no-fat cottage cheese
tastes like paper pulp.

I have decided that I will
start a new journey.
The first day of every month,
I will post my progress
right here on this blog.

I'd like you all to comment with
your progress, your stories-
your commitment.

So-
it's not over.
It has just begun.

Thank you for all your
support and prayers
and slaps on the hand.

I'm still here for you, too.

The new ship sails on August 1st.
Come see me if you want to ride along.

Love, Peace, and Rice Cakes!
Rae

Thursday, July 23, 2009

The End Is In Sight


What once seemed like a lifetime
now unfolds into mere hours-
and my 200 day deadline
is almost a shadow on my wall.

It's about to pass me up
and fade into darkness.

I feel like I'm on a big ship
with all of you.

It's been fun.

We've shared everything from
cellulite
to saggy butts.

We've started and stopped.
And started.
And stopped.
And started.

We've learned-
and grown-
and realized that we must
humor ourselves in order
to accept ourselves.

We've weathered stormy seas
and felt the sunshine on our faces.

We've laughed.
And cried.
And cursed the bathroom scale.

We've cheated.
And lied.
And tried harder than we thought possible.

...And found a little bit of ourselves in the process.

The ship is about to anchor.
The 200 day tour is almost over.

Some of you probably
got out at the last port-
stunningly smart in your
new thin bodies-
no longer needing a lifesaver
to keep you afloat-
no longer needing a captain
because you've learned to steer
away from bad habits.

It's sad for me.
I feel like I'm going down with the ship.

And saying goodbye
is almost harder than
saying I failed.

But-
Hey-
I do have till midnight tomorrow!

I believe in miracles.
I believe in the strength of dreams.
I believe that good things take time.
I believe that another ship
will come along soon
and the trip will be easier.

But today I feel like Gilligan.
Like I've screwed up so many times
that I'll never make it home.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Meditation As Medication

One of my very kind followers,
(hostagirl), commented yesterday
that she remembers what is was like
to be thin.

I do, too.

I remember how it was easy
to tie shoes,
pick green beans,
run with the kids
and feel good naked.

I remember what is was like
to have clothes that fit,
that look good
and that get compliments.

I remember what it was like
to only have to worry about my hair-
and not what was going on
below the neckline.

I remember being thin
and feeling like nothing
in the world could stop me
from my dreams.

Being heavy
clouds those dreams.
Makes a person feel inferior,
clumsy, slow and unintelligent.

Being heavy puts limits on your
actions, activities, attitude
and aspirations.

It is a matter of mind set.
I still believe that.

If you haven't convinced your brain
-(or your heart)-
that it's finally time to lose weight,
then you will certainly fail.

So, let me say this.

Today-
don't just exercise your body-
exercise your mind.

Go to a quiet place.
Relax.
Close your eyes...

And remember
what it was like to be thin.....

Thanks, hostagirl.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Another New Diet Do


I've blogged before about
your sense of smell having
a great impact on weight loss.

Well, I just ran across a
new product that professes
to be an innovative weight loss solution.

I'm just going to paste the article here
for your dieting enjoyment.
Let me know if it works for you!

New Food Sprinkle Convinces the Brain to Stop Over-Eating
A California Company has recently launched an interesting new product which may signal a major breakthrough in weight loss. The company, Sensa, www.Sensa.com, came up with an innovative way to convince the brain to stop overeating.

First the theory behind the product. The obvious fact is that we eat too much. But why? It turns out that's the way our brains are programmed. Throughout our evolutionary history, food has been scarce, so in order to ensure survival, humans have been conditioned to eat as much as they can whenever food is available. Unfortunately, when food is abundant and rich in calories, as it is today, the results can be ugly.

Enter Dr. Alan Hirsch, an intrepid doctor and scientist, whose lifelong specialty has been understanding how our senses, and in particular, smell and taste affect the brain's functioning. Dr. Hirsch noticed that many patients who had lost their sense of smell and taste due to illness or accident experienced rapid weight gain. Certain smells and tastes seemed to be acting on the brain to control the appetite.

Dr Hirsch studied hundreds of compounds and after years of research developed a set of virtually odorless and tasteless food sprinkles that have shown a strong impact on the body's appetite-control center, which he called "Tastants". Then, in one of the largest studies of a non-prescription weight-loss system, these Tastants were tested for effectiveness as a means of weight loss.

The results were significant. Over a 6 month period, 1,436 women and men sprinkled, flavorless "Tastant" crystals on everything they ate, and lost an average of 30.5 pounds - nearly 15% of their total body weight.

Participants achieved these results without having to follow any special exercise regime or diet.

Best of all, because it is tasteless and odorless and contains no stimulants and does not directly interact with the digestive system, there are no unpleasant side-effects. None of the horror stories associated with "fat-blockers" or stimulant based weight loss systems.

According to Dr Hirsch, "With Sensa, you can eat all the foods that satisfy your senses and you don't have to deal with any intense food cravings or feelings of starvation. Sensa merely helps you eat less of the foods you love and gain greater satisfaction from smaller portions."

A flavorless, odorless sprinkle that triggers this type of weight loss - too good to be true? Apparently the company anticipated a somewhat skeptical response from consumers, jaded by a weight loss industry spread thick with misleading claims. For that reason, they have introduced the product through a special Free Trial Offer that lets you try it before paying for it. You can learn more at TrySensa.com

Monday, July 20, 2009

Better Late Than Never


I swear I'll be good this week.

I'll count whatever I need to count-
ignore everything I need to ignore,
and forget everything I need to forget.

I'm on a mission.

A little, late, really.

I can see the finish line
on the horizon and I'm not
breathing any easier
or losing my jogging pants yet.

I fantasized about sliding into home
as a real winner.

I have that wedding on Saturday.
Now every family member that
reads this blog is gonna
have some great gossip.

Ha! Ha!
Don't think she Found Thin!

Well, let's just say
I didn't find it in 200 days.
It's going to take a bit longer.

Still got till the end of the week, folks.

Stay with me.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Inches vs. Pounds


While I was huffing and puffing
like the Big Bad Wolf
through my Curves routine
the other day,
I happened to mention the
always-dreaded bathroom scale.

And about that time,
our fantastic Curves leader
overheard me
and suggested that
I throw that scale away!

I am losing inches!
What do pounds matter?

And I am getting stronger every day!

Yes, it got me to thinking
how that might come into play
during my everyday life.

...I'm visiting the Empire State Building...
A railing breaks...I plummet down two stories
where I finally reach for a flag pole...I cling there
above the bustling city...100 stories high...for hours.
But, hey- if it wasn't for Curves, my grip would
have failed in the first 15 seconds!

...I'm traveling the back roads of America...
I reach a desolate, remote area and have to cross
a bridge...There's a load limit.
My weight would be too much for the structure,
but my inches are fine.
What should I do?.....

Don't get me wrong-
I love Curves
and I love the fact that
I've actually lost inches,
but, let's face it.

The scale does matter.

To say the scale doesn't matter
is like saying your hair doesn't matter
when you're dressing for the day.
It's like saying cheese doesn't matter
as long as you have pizza sauce.

To me, they coincide.
They work together
to build a better me.

I do hate the scale,
but it does tell the truth-
and even if it's an ugly truth,
I'm willing to take it.

Inches.
Strength.
Pounds.

Does it matter?

Yes!

I mean, a 500 pound
Popeye is still gonna be unattractive.




Thursday, July 16, 2009

Countdown......


I don't think a single day has gone by
since I started this journey,
that I didn't kick myself.

For cheating, miscalculating,
purging, scarfing, nibbling,
hoarding,
and shoveling.

Pretty good reason
for a swift foot to the rear, I'd say.

Yet, every single morning
has been a clean slate.

Why did I dirty it up?
Why did I stray? Go wild?
Why did I forget the importance of
my journey?

Goal day is in a week and one day.
How much do you think I can lose
before then?

It's sure going to be embarrassing
to admit my experiment failed.
To say I lost my way-
even when I had a compass
and a map
and a book of instructions.

Even when I had all of you
to travel with me.

Here, kick my butt.

Right now I really need it.

The finish line is in sight.
Hold tight....

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Veeta Vita Vegemin


I remember my mom lining all
of us kids up by the fridge
while she measured out teaspoons
of thick, yellow liquid vitamins
so that we would grow up big and strong.

I suppose that vitamins are
a good idea.
Especially for those young picky eaters
that enjoy sweets at every meal
or refuse their daily dose
of healthy vegetables.

I go through phases with my vitamins.
The only time I took them consistently
is when I was pregnant with my children.

Since then, I'll get on a rant
and see a big bottle of healthy-looking
capsules on the store shelf
and promise myself I'll take them
until they're gone.

I couldn't count the number of bottles
I've thrown out that were past their
expiration date-
most a coagulated mass of melted pills
or a dried up powder of unidentifiable
something-or-other.

I'm still waiting for that sci-fi vitamin
shaped like a rocket ship that
makes you feel full and takes the place of
actual food.
If I didn't have to go to the grocery store,
I wouldn't be exposed to all the wonders
of a modern bakery or
all the little goodies they tempt you with
on your weekly food tour.

I could probably save a lot of money.

I purchased a big bottle of calcium tablets
a month or so ago,
promising my son that I would
take them religiously-
calming his fears about a crooked backed mom
with osteoporosis.

I choked on those horse pills
for three days
until I decided to put them away
with the other discarded vitamins
in my crowded medicine cabinet.

In my opinion, vitamins
probably don't work well anyway.
Mom wanted us big and strong.

Big took.
Strong didn't.

But- hey- supplement your diet
if you're not getting proper portions
or a good variety of healthy choices.
It couldn't hurt.

In Diet Land,
anything that helps
is fair game.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Dressing Room Discrimination


I guess I'm going to have to
push my chair away from the
computer,
roll up my sleeves,
and become a fashion designer
for the body-challenged,
middle-aged,
a little-on-the-doughy side
women of the world.

I've been shopping for an outfit
to wear to my nephew's wedding.
Years ago it wasn't a matter of
searching for the clothes-
it was finding the money.

Now I've got the funding,
but all I can find is gorgeous outfits
that only come in single digit sizes,
or horrid, stretchy grandma-gear
that claims to be one size fits most-
which is a big fat lie.

All the new tops make me look pregnant-
the pants make me look like I'm
hiding ten pound bags of potting soil on each thigh,
and the shoes make me look
like a hippo on stilts.

Needless to say,
shopping is a depressing past time
and I've had it up to my double
(Okay... Triple)
chin with this nonsense!!

Here are a few things I'd like
the fashion world to know:

1. Just because it's Plus Size, doesn't
mean it has to be black, elastic, and
printed with flamingos.

2. Use a universal pattern.
I don't want to have to try on
everything from Large to ThreeX.
I want to know my size and enter the
store confidently.

3. Don't ever tell me again that
Jennifer Hudson is a size 6.

4. Segregate the dressing rooms.
I don't want a man, a skinny girl,
or a runway model sharing my
three way mirror.

5. Don't ask the whole freakin' store
to help me find the XXL section.

6. Just because I'm heavy
doesn't mean I don't like sexy underwear,
delicate bras,
and really cool pajamas.

7. Humor me. Like I've said before-
if my food can't be fun, then
something should ne!

8. Look at me like I'm another unique person
that is purchasing clothes-
not a slob with extra cellulite.

9. Don't trick me with
slenderizing mirrors.
Believe me, I know the difference.

10. Help!


Wish me luck.
My search continues.....

Friday, July 10, 2009

It's Not Just A Road Trip


I love what my sister Jewel
said yesterday in her comment.

We aren't on this journey for 200 days.
We are on this journey for life.

And it is so true.
Diets never end.

Even when you shed those pounds
and look like a ravishing doll-
the past will creep up on you
if you ever get lazy again.

Making wise choices
is something we all must do
forever.

Eating healthy is
something we must learn-
just like driving a car.

We aren't reckless with
our vehicles-
so why do we crash our diets?

Why do we head down that same old road
that gets no results?

(And why is my GPS set on Dunkin' Donuts?)

This is not just a road trip-
it is a journey of forever.

Every day is still full of baby steps.
Challenges.
Temptations.

Let's steer the right direction
for a while
and see where it leads us.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

I'll Need A XXL Name Tag, Please


I have a class reunion coming up
in October.

You think that would be
incentive enough
to get with the program
and shed some pounds.

Especially since there is
nothing about me
that looks the same
as my Senior picture.

I got to looking at
myself in the mirror....

Shorter hair,
more wrinkled face,
thinning lips.
age spots,
flabby arms,
a giant bi-donk-i-donk,
spreading hips,
a 25 year old post-baby belly
and cankles.

There will be those women
who dieted
and exercised
and treated themselves
to professional hair jobs,
manicures,
pedicures,
and relaxing vacations.

And they will look like
a million dollars.

Oh, hell!
I know I can't go now!

I've had almost 200 days-
200 tries-
200 start-overs-
and 2 million excuses.

(Sigh................)

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Nothing But The Truth


One of the worst things
about being overweight
(besides the sleep apnea,
giant cellulite,
varicose veins,
and granny underwear),
is I can never find anything
to wear.

And I'm not talking for a
special event or holiday.
I'm talking about getting
out of bed and getting
dressed for a regular day at home.

Yesterday I tried on four
different tops
because I had to go to the
grocery store.

First one:
Too tight.
Second one:
Too short
Third one:
Too much cleavage
Forth one:
A big honkin' grease stain on the front.

I pulled my hair out
and stood in the closet
for what seemed like days-
just staring at an assortment
of clothing that
was too small, all wrong,
or just bad taste.

I got down on my knees
right then
and prayed that Stacy and Clinton
from TLC's What Not To Wear
would suddenly appear
in my living room
with a Visa card
and a cure for my
belly fat.

No one came.

So I just strapped on
an old football jersey,
some stretch pants
and flip flops
and went out into
this unfair old world.

A few years ago
I wouldn't have been caught dead
in that nerdy outfit.
I wouldn't have even wore it
in the garden.

But-
times change.
It's all about adapting.

And it's all about knowing
not to wear a butterfly suit
when you're a two ton gorilla.

I'm still on the wagon
but it's stuck
in a fashion nightmare
on Loser Street.

16 days to go.

Help!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Me And My Shadow


Sometimes my weight seems like
a bigger power than me.
Like a burden that
will never cease-
a heavy fog
that will never lift-
a part of me
that can never be detached.

I've spent the past six months
trying to get control-
to overpower the cravings-
the temptations-
the excuses
and the struggles.

And I still have giant
strides to makes
and miles to go
before I am a winner.

Funny thing I've learned is-
Life gets in the way
of a diet.
We don't get the luxury
of a fat farm
or a personal trainer
or a dietitian.

We are left to our own devices.
We still clean house
and pay bills
and raise children
and cook
and sleep
and play
and eat.

We are still responsible
for all that revolves
around us.
And somehow-
sadly-
a diet is always the last thing
on the list-
the first event pushed to
the back burner-
the one thing we
continually procrastinate over
and cry about.

Our minds and hearts
know what's right.
We know how to lose weight-
We know what to eat and not eat-
How to exercise-
Be healthy-

But-
that fat person that lives within us
doesn't really want to leave.
That fat person hangs on
and on
till it gains total control
and it's too late to
remember the
person we were before.

I am sick of her.
This fat me.
The one that clings to my body
like a second skin.
Like a huge shadow
that never leaves.

Yet-
everyday I say I am ready
to wage war
and everyday
I become complacent
and lazy
and forgiving.

We have 17 days.

I'm still not giving up.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Have Fun!


Whatever you do for the holidays-
do it fun!

And-( I guess I'm not such a
good motivator)-
if it means a slice of cake
or a good stiff drink-
then, by all means-
celebrate!

Just remember to do it
all in moderation.
And don't forget that our
trip of 200 days
will be closing soon
and the results
are on your own conscious.

Tell your family how much you
love them this weekend.
Make plans for more get togethers.
Take lots of pictures.

Someday you'll be glad you did.

And like I always tell my kids-
Be safe, but have fun!

See you back here on Monday!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

My Bad

The donut spoke.
I stopped to hear.
It's chocolate goodness
was loud and clear.
I knew it was wrong.
A diet sin.
If I tasted that donut-
I could not FIND THIN!

I turned my head.
I covered my ears.
I forced myself
through all my tears.
I ran away
to watch TV.
But that donut would not stop
bugging me.

I took a peek
into the box
And knew that's why
I must detox
and rid my system of sweets-
and then-
There is a chance
I will FIND THIN!

I touched it's roundness-
it's sexy glaze...
and my heart pulsed-
I was in a daze.
Just a nibble?
Just one bite?
I knew it was wrong.
It just wasn't right.

But my mouth opened
and the donut went in.

Oh, help me, please!
I can't FIND THIN!!!!!

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Silent Progress


Today I make a suggestion.

If the weight isn't coming off
by diet alone- exercise!

A month at Curves had these results:

My daughter lost 9 LBS and 17 INCHES!!!
Wow! Yeah, Erin!

And, then,- (of course I blame it on old-lady
hormones and faulty metabolism for not
doing better)-
I came in losing a whopping 3 LBS
and 9.5 INCHES.

I feel good about it.

Even though it is a hassle
to go into town everyday-
find clothes to work out in-
sweat like a giant whale,
and be sore for days-
I know it's worth it.

Just wish I had started sooner-
not waited until my 200 day goal
was almost over.

But we've still got time
to make a difference.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Time To Weigh In


My daughter and I joined Curves
a month ago
and later today we finally get
to see how much it has helped.

We weigh in and measure.

I'm thinking about asking if I
can weigh naked-
or maybe I'll get my haircut
before I go-
or fill up on some kind
of helium-induced bran
that will make me lighter.

A person can usually tell
when their pants feel bigger
or their skin is firmer.

Just between you and me-
I'm not feelin' it.

But, one thing I have learned
over the years is
that life is full of surprises.

I just hope that 30 minutes a day
and wearing blinders around
the cheesecake
has helped.

I'll let you know tomorrow.

Until then-
we have 25 days to go.

What other kind of blog
will I write
when this one is over?

Thursday, June 25, 2009

A Few Days Off

Due to family matters,
I won't be posting here
till next week.
Thanks for stopping by.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Success Story #1

Just thought I'd share
a little note I received today.

Dear Rae,
I just hoff to tell you how perfectly
vondervul I veel since reading
your blog.
Yor inspiration haus
made me find thin!

Sincerely,
Arnold Schwarzenegger

And he enclosed a photograph:

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Heat Is On

How is it that you can sweat
ten buckets of perspiration
and not lose a pound-
but one donut hole
slaps 12 ounces to your thighs?

Diets aren't fair.

I thought that working outside in 90+
degree heat and 100 percent humidity,
I might experience the same benefits
as spending the day in a sauna,
but-
no.

Not gonna happen.

All I lost was
the shine in my hair,
a favorite flip-flop,
and the lid to the
gas can.

I figured I could have
lost more weight
kicked back in my recliner
eating granola bars and
watching Cops
than I did killing myself
with a hoe and a weed eater.

Diets aren't fair.
Or fun.

But just like
bad hair
and pimples
and hot flashes
and husbands-
You just gotta live with 'em.

Make the best of it
and take it one day at a time.

I just wish someone
would have told me
that my plateau
was going to be 100 miles wide
and a 100 days long!

All of us here
are after the same thing.

Why is it so hard to find?

Friday, June 19, 2009

Take A Closer Look


The whole problem with food is
that it tastes good.

And, most times, looks good, too.

But what if we could make it
less attractive and less tasty?

Maybe this will help.

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration
puts out a handbook every year
that establishes acceptable levels
of contaminants in food sources.

Craving spaghetti for dinner?

Well- here's the scoop on that:

MACARONI AND NOODLE PRODUCTS Insect filth
(AOAC 969.41)
Average of 225 insect fragments or more per 225 grams in 6 or more sub samples

Rodent filth
(AOAC 969.41)
Average of 4.5 rodent hairs or more per 225 grams in 6 or more sub samples


And how about topping that with some delicious mushrooms?

MUSHROOMS, CANNED AND DRIED Insects
(AOAC 967.24)
Average of over 20 or more maggots of any size per 100 grams of drained mushrooms and proportionate liquid or 15 grams of dried mushrooms
OR
Average of 5 or more maggots 2 mm or longer per 100 grams of drained mushrooms and proportionate liquid or 15 grams of dried mushrooms

Mites
(AOAC 967.24)
Average of 75 mites per 100 grams drained mushrooms and proportionate liquid or 15 grams of dried mushrooms

Decomposition
(MPM-V100)
Average of more than 10% of mushrooms are decomposed
Like it with lots of oregano?


OREGANO, GROUND Insect filth
Average of 1250 or more insect fragments per 10 grams




Rodent filth

Average of 5 or more rodent hairs per 10 grams





How about strawberries for dessert?

STRAWBERRIES: FROZEN WHOLE OR SLICED Mold
(AOAC 952.22)
Average mold count of 45% or more and mold count of at least half of the subsamples is 55% or more


Lost your appetite?

Me, too!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Be A Cute Little Firecracker- Not A Blubbering Bomb



Last year Americans consumed
150 million hot dogs.

And that was just on the Forth of July.

Add 23 million cases of beer.
Buns.
Potato salad
and apple pie.

No wonder we're all fat!

Hot dog (1 serving)=
242 calories
14.5 grams of fat
670 mg of sodium
18.0 carbs

Bun (1 serving)=
110 cal.
1.5 fat
210 sodium
21.0 carbs

Add 14 calories for pickle relish
and you end up with a
366 calorie sandwich.

Multiply that by the
normal three or four
that I consume while
watching fireworks-
and that's almost
1500 calories!

Not to mention potato salad,
chips, dip, pie, cake,
and bbq!

Ice cream, marshmallow salad,
pasta and macaroni salad,
Cole slaw,
banana pudding and hot wings!

So, this is just a head's up
for the upcoming holiday.

Have fun,
but don't overdo.
Remember the calorie count.
Fill up on ice water and veggies.
Choose fruit over pastry items.
Go easy on the beer.

Let's claim our Independence
from fattening foods.

Let's sparkle,
hold our heads up high,
and continue reaching for
our goals.

36 days to go....

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Not By Chance


As I've mentioned before,
I have been going to Curves
the past few weeks
in hopes that their modern-day
torture machines
will twist my doughy body
into a miracle of nature.

It's really difficult to tell yet
if the sweating, grunting,
screaming and crying
are worth it.

Another week
and they give me
my first report card.

I hope I lose more
than the delusion that I was
in pretty good shape.

But I guess something-
no matter how insignificant-
is better than nothing.

Anyhow...

After walking out the door
of Curves last evening,
I noticed that directly
across the street is
a foot doctor.

A podiatrist.
The sign claims to offer
advanced medical and surgical solutions.
Laser surgery, in office anesthesia,
Bunions. Hammertoes.
Heel Pain. Ingrown Nails.
And Warts.

I wondered for a moment if it
was a coincidence
that my feet have been killing me lately.

Then I realized that this wasn't
just fate that put the foot doctor
right next to Curves.

It was obviously planned.

Just like building Denny's
next to a hotel,
or a surf shop next to the ocean-
or souvenir stores all around
Disney World...

I think it was a mutual
marketing strategy-
You know-
"You rub my foot- I'll rub yours." type of thing.

How c-o-n-v-e-n-i -e- n- t....

Being a new Curves member and all-
I was limping like a three legged dog
out to my car-
feeling like a wind sock
in a hurricane-
wondering if I could will
my newly-found muscles
to drive away- fast.

Then I saw the most outrageous
marketing strategy of all time!

On the other side of doctor's office
is a funeral home!

At least I feel better now.

When the workouts get the best of me-
they can just throw me on a gurney
and wheel me across the street!

Monday, June 15, 2009

ThisThing Called Hope


We are only weeks away from
the 200 day mark.

I had good intentions when starting
this journey
and was hoping that I might post
some fantastic before and after
photos towards the end.

I still have hope.

But this entire process
has only affirmed what I already knew-
Losing weight is hard.
You can't do it for someone else.
You can't do it halfway.
You can't lose focus.

You can't give up.

It has taught me not to judge others
so easily-
the smokers, drinkers, and
whatever vices that other people have.

We don't want to be heavy, unhealthy,
and uninspired.
We don't want to love chocolate,
fried chicken,
and salty chips.

But we do.

And the whole mechanics of a diet
is to make better eating choices.

That's where most of us fail.
We choose what our eyes want-
not what our minds tell us is right.

How have the days passed so quickly-
and my progress been so slow?

But-
I still have hope.
I will continue the fight-
even beyond my 200 days.

Friday, June 12, 2009

To Each His Own



Women’s Health came up with a fun list of 100 wacky ways to burn 100 calories. I have posted 13- with my own commentary:

  1. Slather on lip balm 765 times. (Then look like you just french kissed Mr. Petroleum Jelly)
  2. Lip sync George Michael’s Faith 16 times. -I know not every bod-day, has gotta bod-day like you!” (This one's for you, Kari!)
  3. Swing a lasso over your head 375 times. (And look like an idiot doing it).
  4. Shear three sheep. (Seen any hanging around lately?)
  5. Let a Great Dane walk you for 13 minutes at 5 mph. (Or a horse at 30mph)
  6. Wash, halve, and seed two acorn squash, then watch them bake for 30 minutes. (Fun times...)
  7. Walk backward in the park for 43 minutes. ( Hit tree. Get ran over by bus. End of diet).
  8. Sing the Grease original soundtrack from start to finish. (Olivia Newton John, I aint!)
  9. E-mail for 68 minutes. (Do chain letters count?)
  10. Stay up on a unicycle for 20 minutes. (My record is 1/3 second.)
  11. Sleep in for an hour and 53 minutes. (I can do this!)
  12. Floss and gargle with Listerine after each brushing. (Good if you do it 3X a day).
  13. Show off your bowling skills for 34 minutes. (I usually clean the gutters!)
So- you see- there is more than just a treadmill and an exercise bike!
I will strive to do all the above, plus more.

But, I can't write this without adding
my personal all time favorite-

Runnin' with the Devil!
Yoo-Hoo!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Power Panties

Until we all lose our extra pounds,
there are creative ways to disguise
what falls out, flops,
jiggles or rolls.

One such item
is the very popular Spanx.

Praised as an innovative
"power panty",
these undergarments
can shape, smooth,
and slim like magic.

Supposedly they can
make you look 2 to 10 pounds
thinner.
But get ready to shell out
$20 to $40 dollars.

And be ready to feel
like a giant rubber band.
Spanx are nothing more
than a glorified girdle.

I haven't tried them myself,
but my daughter wears a
cheap knock-off of the product and
it does wonders for her "muffin top".

I decided to check out the Spanx
website and was relieved that the
shapers were available in Plus Sizes.

Clicking on a photo of big sizes
gave me a wonderful feeling!
Maybe these Spanx people
have something here.
Perhaps there is hope!

The following is a photo for the Plus Size:


Good grief!
If they do that good a job
on a plus-size model-
I'd give a thousand
dollars a pair!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Give Me Another Cup O' Joe











Day One-

BREAKFAST:

One hummingbird egg,
boiled with dash of Tabasco

Half a Melba toast round

Coffee

LUNCH

1 oz. slice of tofu
seasoned with herbs

1-Lettuce leaf

1-grape tomato, diced

1-baby pickle

Coffee

DINNER:

1 small cup turkey broth

Tb chopped carrot

2- grapes

3-oyster crackers

Coffee

SNACK:

Half a kiwi
or 2 blueberries

Coffee.


And to think my husband
doesn't understand
my caffeine addiction!

Keep going girls-
the best is yet to be!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Sometimes You Just Gotta Break The Rules


Sometimes when we diet,
our perspectives get all messed up.

We see with blinders on.
Our vision is limited.
We beat ourselves up over
portions and pieces
and PIE.

Sometimes when we diet,
we forget to live.

We focus so much on the
things we want to change,
that we often forget about
those things in our lives
that are perfect.

Like our children,
our spouses,
our homes and gardens
and the moonlit summer sky.

Sometimes we forget to breathe-
to let ourselves just be.
To relax and forget about
what pain awaits you at the gym tomorrow-
or how many calories in the snack you just had-
or if you're ever gonna be able to
slip into those jeans you've been saving.

Diets are so self-serving that
sometimes we tend to forget
there are other things in life besides
being thin.
We often forget to loosen up and laugh,
to pray,
to let nature take it's course.

I'm not saying "go off your diet"-
I'm just saying-
gain perspective-
don't be fanatical and obsessed-
be a person
and not a number on the scale.

If we died tomorrow-
what would it matter if
we lost 1/4 pound this week?
If tragedy struck-
who in the hell would care
if you were in a size 5?

I got some perspective back last night.
There were bad storms and
tornadoes in the area
and for a while it got pretty scary.

My husband looked over at me
as I cringed in my favorite chair-
staring out into the black sky.

"What's wrong honey? Everything's gonna be okay," he assured me, "You scared?"

"No", I said."I just got to thinking that if I knew I was going to get sucked up by a tornado tonight- I would have had that piece of chocolate cake that I passed up yesterday!"

Yes.
It's all perspective.
Sometimes you just gotta peep around
that wall of sensibility and strictness-
and fly free.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Trick Of The Day


You would think that being on a diet
would mean that my refrigerator
is practically empty
and very clean.

Negative.

It is an embarrassing mix
of half-used salad dressings,
wilted lettuce,
spongy cucumbers,
spoiled milk,
and unopened cottage cheese.

Gotta get working on that
real soon.

I really need to minimize
my choices when I open that fridge.

I read somewhere that when you
have more variety,
you tend to eat more
without realizing it.

One study asked people to pour
what they perceived to be a
certain amount of candy into a bowl.

They poured more when the candy
was a variety of colors.
Less colors, the less candy poured.

It fooled the eye.

Understanding these visual tricks
can help you avoid over-consumption.

Same way with the old plate trick.
Put your meal on a smaller plate
and you can trick your brain into
thinking you have a huge meal.











So, take this bit of information
with you next time you visit a
smorgasbord.

And next time you buy M&M's-
go for the single colored ones!

Friday, June 5, 2009

I'll Huff And Puff


Well, so far I've
been trudging to Curves
on a regular basis
and I keep crossing my fingers
that results will be forthcoming.

After an exerting workout,
I feel like I should have melted off
a ton of fat
and be ready to slip into
a cute little sun dress,
flip flops,
and disappear into the sunset
with my husband grasping
my tiny little waist.

But,
no.

Yesterday was almost embarrassing.

There was just me and another girl
in the entire place.
And she was probably about
thirty or forty pounds heavier than me.

I thought to myself for a moment
how hard it must be for her to
finish the circuit,
but I just smiled at her
and started my workout.

After a few minutes,
there I was-
panting like a sweaty, rabid dog-
my face red as strawberry ,
my tee shirt sticking to me like glue,
my heart beating like a jungle drum
when the cannibals are
ready to attack.

There she was.
Cool as a chilled cucumber.
Lifting, pushing,
stepping-
all with the grace and agility
of a seasoned gymnast.
There wasn't a drop of sweat
to be found on her brow.

I couldn't wait to get out of there.
I couldn't breathe.
I couldn't speak.
I wondered if the defibrillator
in the corner was ready for shock mode.

But this whole experience
has taught me
that I am out of shape.

That I do have lungs -and they hurt.
That I do have ham strings
and arms
and shins
and ribs
that scream out
every time I pull
into the parking lot at Curves.

But, you know what?
I'm not going to listen
to their blood-curdling cries.

I'm going to go in there
and die-
just so I can live.

Just so I can walk out someday
and know-
without a doubt-
that I have
Found Thin.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

All Aboard the Chew Chew Train!


Today I want to introduce you
to Horace Fletcher.

Sorry you can't meet him in person,
but he lived back around 1900.

But old Horace knew a thing or two
about losing weight.

In 1898, he became angry because
he was denied health insurance
because he was overweight.
So- he fought back-
by developing his own diet plan
and seeing results.

His weight loss method
included chewing his food completely
and then spitting it out!
No swallowing at all!
Horace claims to have gone from
205 pounds to 163.

He chewed each bite 32 times-
once for each tooth-
and then spit everything out.

This method soon became known
as "Fletcherizing".

Horace- you had the right idea,
but I'm not so sure
it was healthy.

Plus, how in the hell do you
chew a candy bar
without swallowing it?

That's what
I wanna know.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The Beaver Story




Today I'm posting a repeat.
It's an entry from my other blog
that I wrote last July.
Crap!
Things haven't really changed
all that much in a year's time!

Titled:
My Fat Little Fellow

I'm carrying around a full grown beaver.

Yeah, I agree. That's pretty gross. And it even sounds nasty. But let's face the facts here.
Full grown beavers weigh about thirty pounds, which is about the same amount of weight that I need to lose. Every time I think about grabbing a chocolate bar or a slab of salami, I try to focus on that huge beaver. I try to imagine myself walking through the mall or doing housework with the portly beaver buried under my tee shirt or curled up around my buttocks. I just wish he would give me a good hard slap of its tail when I start giving into temptation. For heaven's sake, what good does it do to carry around your own beaver if it doesn't contribute something?
When you're overweight, it causes new problems that skinny people never have.
I mean, how in the world do you dress a full grown beaver? He falls unattractively out of lo-rise jeans, lays like a adult python on your waistline and slobbers grotesquely beneath any sort of sexy nightgown.
I could live with the fact that I'm stuck with this beaver if he'd let me choose where he stays. It would be great if he would lay across my breast and remain there -firm and perky for the rest of my life!
Oh, believe me- I've tried to starve him out, practically living on broth and tofu for days. I've tortured him with green, leafy salads and fresh fruit. And, if I'm really lucky, he'll shrink a quarter pound or so in thirty days.
Some days I'll even forget he's there. I'll put on my extra loose jeans and enormous tee shirt and spend the day busying myself so that I don't have even a minute to grab a snack or quick bite.
But, by the next day, he's back again- peeking out from beneath my pajama top or rolling around in my sweat pants. He sure is a fat little fellow!
A lot of people have life goals - important things in their lives that they wish to accomplish. Well, I am here today to announce my personal mission statement:
KILL THE BEAVER!!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Time Out



I might as well just come out and say it.

I'm depressed.

I am sick of the words diet,
calorie, counting, carbs, fat and fiber-
healthy, better, wise and lower.

Maybe I should explain
why I've suddenly plunged
into the depths of despair.

I went shopping yesterday.

It wasn't enough that I had
to choose sizes that I've already
been familiar with for the past few years,
but seeing my reflection in
the dressing room mirror
was enough to make me
want to crawl in a hole-
(a
big hole, of course)-
and hide forever.

It made me just want to choke
all those vibrant, smiling
women on TV
who brag how wonderful their
stupid diet shake is,
or how tickled they are to get
meals sent to their home,
or how perfectly jolly their
little group of dieting friends are
when they meet every week.

Diet is 50 percent positive
and 50 percent
horrendous.

And today- I am sorry,
but I just can't be Ms. Sunshine.
I just can't skip my way to the fridge
for a diet pudding
or wear a satisfying smile
while munching bean sprouts.

It ain't gonna happen, people.

At least not today.

Maybe tomorrow.

Maybe tomorrow will be the
happy, happy, joy, joy
part of my diet.
Maybe tomorrow
I'll flash my pearly whites
and declare "I can do it!"

But today, just let me be.

It's just that I realize how this diet has
caused me to just wish my life away.
I am not enjoying each day to the fullest.
I am stressed about the next meal-
the next day- the next weigh-in.
I worry about results, sizes,
and portions.

I want time to hurry up so I can be at my goal.

I want summer to be over so I can
hide in a sweat shirt again.

So, that's it for today folks.

And,
please-
don't tell me you don't have days
like this in your life.
It's all a part
of the journey.

It's all a part of growing, learning,
stretching, and living.

Excuse me now.
I've gotta find a big hole somewhere.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Stay The Course


There is so much emphasis nowadays
concerning body image.

Models are all size zero's-
movie stars are all anorexic,
and we all strive to be like the
skinny gal next door.

I think it's insane.

I think it's time to stop the madness.

But that isn't to say
that we shouldn't all be
concerned about our weight and
our eating habits.
We can still strive for improvement
without killing ourselves
to seek perfection.

On days like this
when jelly donuts chant to me
and creamy, cheesy nachos seduce me-
I try to tell myself that
"I'm okay."
That my jean size will never be
the same as my shoe size-
that my arm-wings will
never fly away,
and my double chin will
probably never shrink.

My sister Tina-
(which is the littlest one
of my sisters)-
dreams of the day that someone
will come up to her and say-
"You look amaaaazing!"

She's there already, I think.

If not- she's got a short skip
to get to amazing.

On the other hand-
I have personally got to wait
till Hell freezes over
to hear a comment like that.

It got me to thinking...
Here are 10 things I will probably never
hear concerning my body:

1.
Are those your real boobs?

2.
You are soooo tiny!

3.
Do you wear makeup, or are you just a natural beauty?

4.
How many marathons have you ran?

5.
Sorry, maa'm, we can't help you here. We only sell ladies clothing in larger sizes.

6.
Love that belly ring!

7.
You look so rested.

8.
I think you need a smaller size.

9.
I could just pick you up and squeeze you!

10.
Honey, you need to eat more.


But- seriously folks-
if we stay the course-
good things are bound to happen.

Along the way to
Finding Thin,
we just might find...
"amaaaazing".

Friday, May 29, 2009

The Secret Life Of A Cookie


I know she's looking for me.

I hear her tossing pots and pans
and cans of green beans
and bags of sugar.
I hear her cursing-
and slamming drawers -
and breathing extra heavily.

She forgot where she put me.

Forgot that she tucked me away
behind the VCR tapes in the
old TV cabinet.

But she remembers
how sweet I am-
how perfectly delicious.
How tender and chocolaty
and moist and satisfying.
She remembers how totally
fantastic I feel in her hands-
her tummy-
her life.

She's getting colder.

Now she's searching the deep freeze
in the garage
and behind the car seats.
I even heard her looking in
the linen closet
beneath the toilet paper
and in the dog's bed.

I know she can smell me.

I know the memory of me
is still like heaven-
that the aroma of my crumbs
can cause her heart to palpitate-
That she can't wait to
kiss my chocolate chips
and embrace my
sugar-sweetened delight.

What?

Listen.

I don't hear her anymore.

She's given up again.
She's stopped looking for me.
She's stopped trying to remember me.

What's that?

Is she really eating a salad?
How cruel she is to me!
Hides me away in shame
and then takes up
with a member of the
vegetable gang!

I don't think she even
loves me anymore.

****************

55 days to go.
Keep those cookies hidden.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Reality Sucks

Well, it's finally done.
I've made a positive step
to preserve my health,
contour my shape,
and make every muscle in my body
scream out in bloody murder.

I joined Curves.

Now- many of you may have
an opinion of whether this
really works or not.
Some say a traditional gym
would spawn better results.

But hey-
I'm trying this.
I figure I'll give it three months
to work some super magic-
and if not-
well, there's always other options.
Like wiring my jaws shut or something.

The worst part of the whole
registration process
was being weighed and measured.
I guess I was in denial.
But the results say that
I am in poor shape.

Really?
Maybe that's why I get winded
just tying my shoes
or why I turn into a couch potato
everyday at two.

I think I need structure.
Some consistent force
that keeps me on track.
And if it turns out to be
this exercise regimen-
then I will be thankful
that I finally sought help.

I don't want to have a bikini body.
I don't want to run a marathon.
I don't want to be able to lift a small car.

I just want to be comfortable in my own skin.
To breathe well,
look good,
and live long.

I'll keep you posted.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The Toddler Diet


While frantically searching yesterday
for a better diet aid to accelerate my
so-called plateau,
I ran across a totally new diet.

It's called the Toddler Diet.
It should be simple-
especially for those of you with
young children and
grandchildren.

I thought I might even give it a try
and see what happens!

(I did not write this.
I found this on a website).

DAY ONE

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and cloth.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (three sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, four sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina DogChow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: Drop pieces of spaghetti onto back of dog, insert meatball into ear. Dump pudding into Kool-Aid and suck up with a straw.

REPEAT DAYS AS NEEDED!


Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Best Foot Forward

Well, you know what they say about
taking One step forward and
Two steps back?
I've been on the One step forward,
Ten steps back program.

And I could just crawl back into bed
and cry.

But-
I've decided that this is the time to
get into exercising.
If I can't quit eating-
then I need to burn off those
extra calories.
I am definitely going to join the gym
this week.

At least on a trial basis-
no contracts.
If I see results in four weeks-
then I'll make a long-term
commitment.

But isn't that what diets are?

So- hey friends-
forget the brats you had over the weekend-
the beer and cake and chips-

We have only 58 days
till the end of our journey.

I don't know about you,
but I want to keep moving forward-
So today I am recommitting myself
to the challenge.

All in favor, say "Aye!".
I will.
I can.
I must.