Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Silent Progress

Today I make a suggestion.

If the weight isn't coming off
by diet alone- exercise!

A month at Curves had these results:

My daughter lost 9 LBS and 17 INCHES!!!
Wow! Yeah, Erin!

And, then,- (of course I blame it on old-lady
hormones and faulty metabolism for not
doing better)-
I came in losing a whopping 3 LBS
and 9.5 INCHES.

I feel good about it.

Even though it is a hassle
to go into town everyday-
find clothes to work out in-
sweat like a giant whale,
and be sore for days-
I know it's worth it.

Just wish I had started sooner-
not waited until my 200 day goal
was almost over.

But we've still got time
to make a difference.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Time To Weigh In

My daughter and I joined Curves
a month ago
and later today we finally get
to see how much it has helped.

We weigh in and measure.

I'm thinking about asking if I
can weigh naked-
or maybe I'll get my haircut
before I go-
or fill up on some kind
of helium-induced bran
that will make me lighter.

A person can usually tell
when their pants feel bigger
or their skin is firmer.

Just between you and me-
I'm not feelin' it.

But, one thing I have learned
over the years is
that life is full of surprises.

I just hope that 30 minutes a day
and wearing blinders around
the cheesecake
has helped.

I'll let you know tomorrow.

Until then-
we have 25 days to go.

What other kind of blog
will I write
when this one is over?

Thursday, June 25, 2009

A Few Days Off

Due to family matters,
I won't be posting here
till next week.
Thanks for stopping by.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Success Story #1

Just thought I'd share
a little note I received today.

Dear Rae,
I just hoff to tell you how perfectly
vondervul I veel since reading
your blog.
Yor inspiration haus
made me find thin!

Arnold Schwarzenegger

And he enclosed a photograph:

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Heat Is On

How is it that you can sweat
ten buckets of perspiration
and not lose a pound-
but one donut hole
slaps 12 ounces to your thighs?

Diets aren't fair.

I thought that working outside in 90+
degree heat and 100 percent humidity,
I might experience the same benefits
as spending the day in a sauna,

Not gonna happen.

All I lost was
the shine in my hair,
a favorite flip-flop,
and the lid to the
gas can.

I figured I could have
lost more weight
kicked back in my recliner
eating granola bars and
watching Cops
than I did killing myself
with a hoe and a weed eater.

Diets aren't fair.
Or fun.

But just like
bad hair
and pimples
and hot flashes
and husbands-
You just gotta live with 'em.

Make the best of it
and take it one day at a time.

I just wish someone
would have told me
that my plateau
was going to be 100 miles wide
and a 100 days long!

All of us here
are after the same thing.

Why is it so hard to find?

Friday, June 19, 2009

Take A Closer Look

The whole problem with food is
that it tastes good.

And, most times, looks good, too.

But what if we could make it
less attractive and less tasty?

Maybe this will help.

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration
puts out a handbook every year
that establishes acceptable levels
of contaminants in food sources.

Craving spaghetti for dinner?

Well- here's the scoop on that:

(AOAC 969.41)
Average of 225 insect fragments or more per 225 grams in 6 or more sub samples

Rodent filth
(AOAC 969.41)
Average of 4.5 rodent hairs or more per 225 grams in 6 or more sub samples

And how about topping that with some delicious mushrooms?

(AOAC 967.24)
Average of over 20 or more maggots of any size per 100 grams of drained mushrooms and proportionate liquid or 15 grams of dried mushrooms
Average of 5 or more maggots 2 mm or longer per 100 grams of drained mushrooms and proportionate liquid or 15 grams of dried mushrooms

(AOAC 967.24)
Average of 75 mites per 100 grams drained mushrooms and proportionate liquid or 15 grams of dried mushrooms

Average of more than 10% of mushrooms are decomposed
Like it with lots of oregano?

OREGANO, GROUND Insect filth
Average of 1250 or more insect fragments per 10 grams

Rodent filth

Average of 5 or more rodent hairs per 10 grams

How about strawberries for dessert?

(AOAC 952.22)
Average mold count of 45% or more and mold count of at least half of the subsamples is 55% or more

Lost your appetite?

Me, too!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Be A Cute Little Firecracker- Not A Blubbering Bomb

Last year Americans consumed
150 million hot dogs.

And that was just on the Forth of July.

Add 23 million cases of beer.
Potato salad
and apple pie.

No wonder we're all fat!

Hot dog (1 serving)=
242 calories
14.5 grams of fat
670 mg of sodium
18.0 carbs

Bun (1 serving)=
110 cal.
1.5 fat
210 sodium
21.0 carbs

Add 14 calories for pickle relish
and you end up with a
366 calorie sandwich.

Multiply that by the
normal three or four
that I consume while
watching fireworks-
and that's almost
1500 calories!

Not to mention potato salad,
chips, dip, pie, cake,
and bbq!

Ice cream, marshmallow salad,
pasta and macaroni salad,
Cole slaw,
banana pudding and hot wings!

So, this is just a head's up
for the upcoming holiday.

Have fun,
but don't overdo.
Remember the calorie count.
Fill up on ice water and veggies.
Choose fruit over pastry items.
Go easy on the beer.

Let's claim our Independence
from fattening foods.

Let's sparkle,
hold our heads up high,
and continue reaching for
our goals.

36 days to go....

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Not By Chance

As I've mentioned before,
I have been going to Curves
the past few weeks
in hopes that their modern-day
torture machines
will twist my doughy body
into a miracle of nature.

It's really difficult to tell yet
if the sweating, grunting,
screaming and crying
are worth it.

Another week
and they give me
my first report card.

I hope I lose more
than the delusion that I was
in pretty good shape.

But I guess something-
no matter how insignificant-
is better than nothing.


After walking out the door
of Curves last evening,
I noticed that directly
across the street is
a foot doctor.

A podiatrist.
The sign claims to offer
advanced medical and surgical solutions.
Laser surgery, in office anesthesia,
Bunions. Hammertoes.
Heel Pain. Ingrown Nails.
And Warts.

I wondered for a moment if it
was a coincidence
that my feet have been killing me lately.

Then I realized that this wasn't
just fate that put the foot doctor
right next to Curves.

It was obviously planned.

Just like building Denny's
next to a hotel,
or a surf shop next to the ocean-
or souvenir stores all around
Disney World...

I think it was a mutual
marketing strategy-
You know-
"You rub my foot- I'll rub yours." type of thing.

How c-o-n-v-e-n-i -e- n- t....

Being a new Curves member and all-
I was limping like a three legged dog
out to my car-
feeling like a wind sock
in a hurricane-
wondering if I could will
my newly-found muscles
to drive away- fast.

Then I saw the most outrageous
marketing strategy of all time!

On the other side of doctor's office
is a funeral home!

At least I feel better now.

When the workouts get the best of me-
they can just throw me on a gurney
and wheel me across the street!

Monday, June 15, 2009

ThisThing Called Hope

We are only weeks away from
the 200 day mark.

I had good intentions when starting
this journey
and was hoping that I might post
some fantastic before and after
photos towards the end.

I still have hope.

But this entire process
has only affirmed what I already knew-
Losing weight is hard.
You can't do it for someone else.
You can't do it halfway.
You can't lose focus.

You can't give up.

It has taught me not to judge others
so easily-
the smokers, drinkers, and
whatever vices that other people have.

We don't want to be heavy, unhealthy,
and uninspired.
We don't want to love chocolate,
fried chicken,
and salty chips.

But we do.

And the whole mechanics of a diet
is to make better eating choices.

That's where most of us fail.
We choose what our eyes want-
not what our minds tell us is right.

How have the days passed so quickly-
and my progress been so slow?

I still have hope.
I will continue the fight-
even beyond my 200 days.

Friday, June 12, 2009

To Each His Own

Women’s Health came up with a fun list of 100 wacky ways to burn 100 calories. I have posted 13- with my own commentary:

  1. Slather on lip balm 765 times. (Then look like you just french kissed Mr. Petroleum Jelly)
  2. Lip sync George Michael’s Faith 16 times. -I know not every bod-day, has gotta bod-day like you!” (This one's for you, Kari!)
  3. Swing a lasso over your head 375 times. (And look like an idiot doing it).
  4. Shear three sheep. (Seen any hanging around lately?)
  5. Let a Great Dane walk you for 13 minutes at 5 mph. (Or a horse at 30mph)
  6. Wash, halve, and seed two acorn squash, then watch them bake for 30 minutes. (Fun times...)
  7. Walk backward in the park for 43 minutes. ( Hit tree. Get ran over by bus. End of diet).
  8. Sing the Grease original soundtrack from start to finish. (Olivia Newton John, I aint!)
  9. E-mail for 68 minutes. (Do chain letters count?)
  10. Stay up on a unicycle for 20 minutes. (My record is 1/3 second.)
  11. Sleep in for an hour and 53 minutes. (I can do this!)
  12. Floss and gargle with Listerine after each brushing. (Good if you do it 3X a day).
  13. Show off your bowling skills for 34 minutes. (I usually clean the gutters!)
So- you see- there is more than just a treadmill and an exercise bike!
I will strive to do all the above, plus more.

But, I can't write this without adding
my personal all time favorite-

Runnin' with the Devil!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Power Panties

Until we all lose our extra pounds,
there are creative ways to disguise
what falls out, flops,
jiggles or rolls.

One such item
is the very popular Spanx.

Praised as an innovative
"power panty",
these undergarments
can shape, smooth,
and slim like magic.

Supposedly they can
make you look 2 to 10 pounds
But get ready to shell out
$20 to $40 dollars.

And be ready to feel
like a giant rubber band.
Spanx are nothing more
than a glorified girdle.

I haven't tried them myself,
but my daughter wears a
cheap knock-off of the product and
it does wonders for her "muffin top".

I decided to check out the Spanx
website and was relieved that the
shapers were available in Plus Sizes.

Clicking on a photo of big sizes
gave me a wonderful feeling!
Maybe these Spanx people
have something here.
Perhaps there is hope!

The following is a photo for the Plus Size:

Good grief!
If they do that good a job
on a plus-size model-
I'd give a thousand
dollars a pair!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Give Me Another Cup O' Joe

Day One-


One hummingbird egg,
boiled with dash of Tabasco

Half a Melba toast round



1 oz. slice of tofu
seasoned with herbs

1-Lettuce leaf

1-grape tomato, diced

1-baby pickle



1 small cup turkey broth

Tb chopped carrot

2- grapes

3-oyster crackers



Half a kiwi
or 2 blueberries


And to think my husband
doesn't understand
my caffeine addiction!

Keep going girls-
the best is yet to be!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Sometimes You Just Gotta Break The Rules

Sometimes when we diet,
our perspectives get all messed up.

We see with blinders on.
Our vision is limited.
We beat ourselves up over
portions and pieces
and PIE.

Sometimes when we diet,
we forget to live.

We focus so much on the
things we want to change,
that we often forget about
those things in our lives
that are perfect.

Like our children,
our spouses,
our homes and gardens
and the moonlit summer sky.

Sometimes we forget to breathe-
to let ourselves just be.
To relax and forget about
what pain awaits you at the gym tomorrow-
or how many calories in the snack you just had-
or if you're ever gonna be able to
slip into those jeans you've been saving.

Diets are so self-serving that
sometimes we tend to forget
there are other things in life besides
being thin.
We often forget to loosen up and laugh,
to pray,
to let nature take it's course.

I'm not saying "go off your diet"-
I'm just saying-
gain perspective-
don't be fanatical and obsessed-
be a person
and not a number on the scale.

If we died tomorrow-
what would it matter if
we lost 1/4 pound this week?
If tragedy struck-
who in the hell would care
if you were in a size 5?

I got some perspective back last night.
There were bad storms and
tornadoes in the area
and for a while it got pretty scary.

My husband looked over at me
as I cringed in my favorite chair-
staring out into the black sky.

"What's wrong honey? Everything's gonna be okay," he assured me, "You scared?"

"No", I said."I just got to thinking that if I knew I was going to get sucked up by a tornado tonight- I would have had that piece of chocolate cake that I passed up yesterday!"

It's all perspective.
Sometimes you just gotta peep around
that wall of sensibility and strictness-
and fly free.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Trick Of The Day

You would think that being on a diet
would mean that my refrigerator
is practically empty
and very clean.


It is an embarrassing mix
of half-used salad dressings,
wilted lettuce,
spongy cucumbers,
spoiled milk,
and unopened cottage cheese.

Gotta get working on that
real soon.

I really need to minimize
my choices when I open that fridge.

I read somewhere that when you
have more variety,
you tend to eat more
without realizing it.

One study asked people to pour
what they perceived to be a
certain amount of candy into a bowl.

They poured more when the candy
was a variety of colors.
Less colors, the less candy poured.

It fooled the eye.

Understanding these visual tricks
can help you avoid over-consumption.

Same way with the old plate trick.
Put your meal on a smaller plate
and you can trick your brain into
thinking you have a huge meal.

So, take this bit of information
with you next time you visit a

And next time you buy M&M's-
go for the single colored ones!

Friday, June 5, 2009

I'll Huff And Puff

Well, so far I've
been trudging to Curves
on a regular basis
and I keep crossing my fingers
that results will be forthcoming.

After an exerting workout,
I feel like I should have melted off
a ton of fat
and be ready to slip into
a cute little sun dress,
flip flops,
and disappear into the sunset
with my husband grasping
my tiny little waist.


Yesterday was almost embarrassing.

There was just me and another girl
in the entire place.
And she was probably about
thirty or forty pounds heavier than me.

I thought to myself for a moment
how hard it must be for her to
finish the circuit,
but I just smiled at her
and started my workout.

After a few minutes,
there I was-
panting like a sweaty, rabid dog-
my face red as strawberry ,
my tee shirt sticking to me like glue,
my heart beating like a jungle drum
when the cannibals are
ready to attack.

There she was.
Cool as a chilled cucumber.
Lifting, pushing,
all with the grace and agility
of a seasoned gymnast.
There wasn't a drop of sweat
to be found on her brow.

I couldn't wait to get out of there.
I couldn't breathe.
I couldn't speak.
I wondered if the defibrillator
in the corner was ready for shock mode.

But this whole experience
has taught me
that I am out of shape.

That I do have lungs -and they hurt.
That I do have ham strings
and arms
and shins
and ribs
that scream out
every time I pull
into the parking lot at Curves.

But, you know what?
I'm not going to listen
to their blood-curdling cries.

I'm going to go in there
and die-
just so I can live.

Just so I can walk out someday
and know-
without a doubt-
that I have
Found Thin.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

All Aboard the Chew Chew Train!

Today I want to introduce you
to Horace Fletcher.

Sorry you can't meet him in person,
but he lived back around 1900.

But old Horace knew a thing or two
about losing weight.

In 1898, he became angry because
he was denied health insurance
because he was overweight.
So- he fought back-
by developing his own diet plan
and seeing results.

His weight loss method
included chewing his food completely
and then spitting it out!
No swallowing at all!
Horace claims to have gone from
205 pounds to 163.

He chewed each bite 32 times-
once for each tooth-
and then spit everything out.

This method soon became known
as "Fletcherizing".

Horace- you had the right idea,
but I'm not so sure
it was healthy.

Plus, how in the hell do you
chew a candy bar
without swallowing it?

That's what
I wanna know.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The Beaver Story

Today I'm posting a repeat.
It's an entry from my other blog
that I wrote last July.
Things haven't really changed
all that much in a year's time!

My Fat Little Fellow

I'm carrying around a full grown beaver.

Yeah, I agree. That's pretty gross. And it even sounds nasty. But let's face the facts here.
Full grown beavers weigh about thirty pounds, which is about the same amount of weight that I need to lose. Every time I think about grabbing a chocolate bar or a slab of salami, I try to focus on that huge beaver. I try to imagine myself walking through the mall or doing housework with the portly beaver buried under my tee shirt or curled up around my buttocks. I just wish he would give me a good hard slap of its tail when I start giving into temptation. For heaven's sake, what good does it do to carry around your own beaver if it doesn't contribute something?
When you're overweight, it causes new problems that skinny people never have.
I mean, how in the world do you dress a full grown beaver? He falls unattractively out of lo-rise jeans, lays like a adult python on your waistline and slobbers grotesquely beneath any sort of sexy nightgown.
I could live with the fact that I'm stuck with this beaver if he'd let me choose where he stays. It would be great if he would lay across my breast and remain there -firm and perky for the rest of my life!
Oh, believe me- I've tried to starve him out, practically living on broth and tofu for days. I've tortured him with green, leafy salads and fresh fruit. And, if I'm really lucky, he'll shrink a quarter pound or so in thirty days.
Some days I'll even forget he's there. I'll put on my extra loose jeans and enormous tee shirt and spend the day busying myself so that I don't have even a minute to grab a snack or quick bite.
But, by the next day, he's back again- peeking out from beneath my pajama top or rolling around in my sweat pants. He sure is a fat little fellow!
A lot of people have life goals - important things in their lives that they wish to accomplish. Well, I am here today to announce my personal mission statement:

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Time Out

I might as well just come out and say it.

I'm depressed.

I am sick of the words diet,
calorie, counting, carbs, fat and fiber-
healthy, better, wise and lower.

Maybe I should explain
why I've suddenly plunged
into the depths of despair.

I went shopping yesterday.

It wasn't enough that I had
to choose sizes that I've already
been familiar with for the past few years,
but seeing my reflection in
the dressing room mirror
was enough to make me
want to crawl in a hole-
big hole, of course)-
and hide forever.

It made me just want to choke
all those vibrant, smiling
women on TV
who brag how wonderful their
stupid diet shake is,
or how tickled they are to get
meals sent to their home,
or how perfectly jolly their
little group of dieting friends are
when they meet every week.

Diet is 50 percent positive
and 50 percent

And today- I am sorry,
but I just can't be Ms. Sunshine.
I just can't skip my way to the fridge
for a diet pudding
or wear a satisfying smile
while munching bean sprouts.

It ain't gonna happen, people.

At least not today.

Maybe tomorrow.

Maybe tomorrow will be the
happy, happy, joy, joy
part of my diet.
Maybe tomorrow
I'll flash my pearly whites
and declare "I can do it!"

But today, just let me be.

It's just that I realize how this diet has
caused me to just wish my life away.
I am not enjoying each day to the fullest.
I am stressed about the next meal-
the next day- the next weigh-in.
I worry about results, sizes,
and portions.

I want time to hurry up so I can be at my goal.

I want summer to be over so I can
hide in a sweat shirt again.

So, that's it for today folks.

don't tell me you don't have days
like this in your life.
It's all a part
of the journey.

It's all a part of growing, learning,
stretching, and living.

Excuse me now.
I've gotta find a big hole somewhere.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Stay The Course

There is so much emphasis nowadays
concerning body image.

Models are all size zero's-
movie stars are all anorexic,
and we all strive to be like the
skinny gal next door.

I think it's insane.

I think it's time to stop the madness.

But that isn't to say
that we shouldn't all be
concerned about our weight and
our eating habits.
We can still strive for improvement
without killing ourselves
to seek perfection.

On days like this
when jelly donuts chant to me
and creamy, cheesy nachos seduce me-
I try to tell myself that
"I'm okay."
That my jean size will never be
the same as my shoe size-
that my arm-wings will
never fly away,
and my double chin will
probably never shrink.

My sister Tina-
(which is the littlest one
of my sisters)-
dreams of the day that someone
will come up to her and say-
"You look amaaaazing!"

She's there already, I think.

If not- she's got a short skip
to get to amazing.

On the other hand-
I have personally got to wait
till Hell freezes over
to hear a comment like that.

It got me to thinking...
Here are 10 things I will probably never
hear concerning my body:

Are those your real boobs?

You are soooo tiny!

Do you wear makeup, or are you just a natural beauty?

How many marathons have you ran?

Sorry, maa'm, we can't help you here. We only sell ladies clothing in larger sizes.

Love that belly ring!

You look so rested.

I think you need a smaller size.

I could just pick you up and squeeze you!

Honey, you need to eat more.

But- seriously folks-
if we stay the course-
good things are bound to happen.

Along the way to
Finding Thin,
we just might find...