Friday, February 27, 2009

Another Month Bites The Dust

February wasn't fabulous.
The scale barely moved.

But now I realize
it's because I rarely moved!

Exercise has to be part of
the formula,
or this diet thing never
adds up.

Eat less.
Move more.

I am definitely eating less.
Went from a lunch that consisted of
two hot dogs with chili and cheese,
a stack of fries
and a shake-
to a pita salad and ice water.

I'm just not moving enough.
I am looking forward to warmer weather
because I enjoy walking
and in the past it was walking
that helped me get into a smaller size.

I always wanted to be really toned
but at my age I wonder if its possible.
Gravity has done it's damage
and unless I get some nip-tuck done,
I'll have to continue covering up.

But hopefully in smaller sized clothing.

Do whatever helps you gain the exercise you need.
Be it palates, tennis, the gym, or treadmill.
Be consistent.
Be bold.
Put time in your daily calendar
to sweat and heave.

February is leaving.
March begins.
Our journey continues.

But remember-
the scale won't move
unless you do.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

A diet is all about choices.
About selecting the lesser of
two evils.
And about incorporating those
choices into a lifestyle.

Think of food divided into two groups.
The Angels and the Devils.
And then picture a midpoint between them
that is limbo- or neutral.

On the Angel end of the spectrum
there lies- not necessarily the good food-
but food that is good for you,
The fruits and vegetables
and fish and hearty grains.

The Devil side has all the bad stuff-
like greasy pizza and salty chips
and sugar shocking cakes, cookies and pies.
Sodas, starchy foods and butter.

The Neutral point is where we need to be.

Think of it as a teeter totter-
eat too much devil delight and you
get off balance.
Eat too much Angel type food
and you deny your body certain
oils and fats and other nutrients
that it requires to maintain
proper metabolism.

Here's a sample of choices that
you may face at breakfast:
Oatmeal or a donut?

Well, to burn off the oatmeal
you would have to do Tae Bo
for 10 minutes or change bed linens
for 28 minutes.

The donut?
Expect to kick box 20 minutes
or climb hills with a 21-42 pound load
for 27 minutes.

A slice of pepperoni pizza or a side salad?

Choose the salad and you'll need to
kick box only 10 minutes
or coach basketball for 18 minutes.

The pizza on your hips will require
stacking firewood for 59 minutes,
or working in chemistry lab for
238 minutes.

A large order BBQ ribs or 4 oz. salmon?

Ribs: Run 5 mph for 111 minutes
or hop on the tread climber for 185.
Salmon: Ski downhill 19 minutes
or hand-water plants for 27 minutes.

Like dessert?
Make the right choice here and
you'll have less calories to burn.
A slice of turtle cheesecake
will take firefighting by hauling the hoses
on the ground for 52 minutes
or playing basketball for 52 minutes.

A 100 calorie chocolate pudding cup?
Just fight those fires for only 12 minutes
or walk uphill 16 minutes.

It makes you think.

It's like a checking account-
Allow yourself so many calories a day.
Write yourself a check as you use them-
and don't get overdrawn!
That's what causes the fat person
to visit you in the mirror!

Let's quit teeter tottering around.
Let's do the limbo
and live!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Looking Forward

We all know why we're here.

We are bigger than we want to be.
Our size is an issue.
Maybe even our health is at risk.

Or ultimate goal is to be thin,
eat smarter, and move easier.
In the end, we will have sought
and achieved the vision of the
person we want to become.

As is, us big people are at a disadvantage.
It's true.

Here are 10 things you never have to worry about
If you're thin:

1. You never have to worry if the picnic table will
flip the entire group of party-goers
when you are left sitting at the end of the bench.
(Most guests don't like to have their bbq land in their laps).

2. You never have to avoid glancing in mirrors, wearing
Spandex, or spend days searching for a nice pair of jeans.
Or ever have to be caught yelling, "Let go of my Egg-o!!!".

3. You don't worry about supper. You are happy with
a wedge of lettuce as well as a giant slab of lasagna.
Neither one makes much difference.

4. You never have to count anything ever again.
Not calories, or points, or carbs, or grams.
....Just days until bikini season.

5. You never have to ask these three questions:
"Does my butt look big?" "Is she skinny?"
and "Is this the diet menu?".

6. For Halloween, you never have to dress as
The Great Pumpkin, The Goodyear Blimp,
or The Fat Bastard. (Or all Three Little Pigs).

7. You never have to ask the salesperson if they carry
a large enough size for you.

8. You don't know what spider veins, cellulite,
and thigh-chap is.

9. You don't have to wear men's tee shirts,
grandma's support hose, or your old maternity jeans.

AND, last, but not least....

10. You don't have to read stupid diet blogs!

We are here to move forward-
to look forward to our future.
Our vision must be clear-
our path must be straight.

We must persevere-
fight and push our way
across seas of skinny women, thin girls,
and lean ladies.
(And men.)

But soon, very soon-
we will join them...

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

I'm not really sure who is in charge
of selecting national holidays
and cool calendar events.

I wish I knew the person
who locks them in
on the national calendar
and decides that these would be
the days for particular celebrations.

So, if you are listening, Mr. Calendar Man-
I've just got this to say:
You're a moron!

Who in their right mind
would make
National Eating Disorders Awareness Week
and National Pancake Week
concur at the same time!?

That's like putting
National Oil Day
and National Vinegar Day together-
Or National Bleach Day
with National Ammonia Day.

Common sense tells you
not to get them anywhere
close to each other.

I mean, a person with eating disorders
can be minding their business one day-
"Okay-I've got this thing under control-
I'm gonna quit binge eating."...

and then POW!
This huge parade of pancakes
meets them headfirst
on Main Street!

Are you an insensitive jerk, or what?
You know you very well could have put
National Syrup Week
with the pancakes.
Or Maple Tree Day
or Sausage Patty Week.

Good Heavens, Man!
Are you insane?

We are real people here.
We feel pain. We hurt.
We love.
We celebrate.
We try to live a good life
and pay respect to every
noted holiday.

But- no.
This time you've gone too far.

And if putting those two celebrations
together wasn't enough of a slap in the face-
you had to go and make this
Fat Tuesday, too!!!

I've come to realize
one important fact:
Us dieters need
a planet of our very own.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Just Clowning Around

I'm all for doing research when
confronted with the unknown
or when I begin an activity or project
that that I have questions about.

Just like this weight loss thing.
I've been studying ways
to at least look thinner
until I can actually be thinner.

The experts say that one way
is tricks with makeup.
They claim that eye makeup
can make your eyes appear larger-
thus causing your face
to appear smaller.

And make sure to give your lips
and cheeks some added color
and powder your nose.

The bigger your eyes,
the smaller your face.
Got that.

Then the same concept should be used
when choosing a hairstyle.
The more lift and volume to your hair-
the smaller your face seems.

Big hair=Smaller face.

Of course we all know the clothing factor
in looking thinner.
White is out.
Vertical stripes instead of horizontal.
Darker color on bottom.
No pleats or big pockets.
Supportive underwear.
No belly tops.

But I do feel that if your
personality is young and vibrant
then your clothing should reflect that.
No use constantly wearing black.
Someone once told me that
if you paint a barn black- it's still gonna be a barn!
So, lighten up.

So, after thorough research,
I instantly tried all the
above hints and tips.

How do I look?

Friday, February 20, 2009

Something Fun

For me, half the battle of losing weight
is finding ways to make it fun and less mundane.
There's nothing more somber
than a frozen Brussels sprout
or more boring than
a stale rice cake.

Like I always say-
If your food can't be fun,
then something should be!

Short of watching the comedy channel 24/7
or taking in a funny movie at the local theater,
I have discovered a few relatively inexpensive ways
to make your dieting day brighter
and even more efficient.

At Old Will Knot
you can purchase this really cool talking scale.
Endorsed as My Weigh FunWeigh
High Capacity Bathroom Scale,
it not only tells you your weight,
but it will joke about it, too.
A little voice will say such things as:
"You're not big boned-You're just fat!"
or "Is somebody on here with you?".
All in addition to saying Hello and Goodbye
when its time to step on or step off.
It has a 400 pound capacity and
sells for a mere $49.90.
(Plus, for those of you with no sense of humor,
it has a shut up switch on the bottom.)

Another treat I personally would like to have is
the "Love Beyond Measure" Heart measuring spoons.
I found a set at with a sale price of $3.62.
These are gorgeous little spoons in
stainless steel with sweet saying engraved on each.
These would make wonderful gifts for your dieting friends-
(or even the skinny friends who just like to cook).

At there is an electronic
grocery list helper that you speak into
and it prints out your list.
It will even print errands that you also need to run.
The lowest model sells for around $50,
but imagine how it might help you to
remember specific items,
keep track of inventory,
and keep you from overspending.
(Just don't say "donuts" into it.)

Check out these websites!

And remember-
Just like I always say-
"If your food can't be fun,
then something should be!"

Have a fun day!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Smash that Camera, Will 'Ya?

As anyone in my family can attest-
I hate every photograph I've ever been in.

(Well- not counting Halloween photos
when I'm dressed up and have fangs
and a cape is covering my belly bulge).

But even those candid shots of me
slicing the birthday cake
or wrapping Christmas presents
or laughing over a bottle of wine-
can cause me to cringe
with disgust.

Maybe if I didn't have
the double chins,
the spare tire-
the foot-stool bootie
and the upper arm wings-
I might look okay.

So, I did a little exploration
of how to look better in photographs.
This is what I discovered.
Hope it helps you, too.

Julyne of shares her methods:

Secret No. 1: Turn partially sideways to the camera.
Planting one foot in front of the other.
Point your toe to the camera and place your weight on your back foot.

Secret No. 2: Pull head forward slightly to hide any appearance of
a double chin.

Secret No. 3: Hold arms slightly away from your body.
This keeps upper arm flab from flattening out
and therefore appearing flabbier
(much like thighs do when one sits on a couch).

Secret No. 4: Pull shoulders back, chest forward
and gently suck stomach in.
Be careful not to suck stomach so far in that your ribs show,
thereby causing those who later see the photo
to cluck to themselves in a bemused, sing-song voice,
"She's sucking i-in."

Secret No. 5: If you can get away with it without
looking like a model wannabe, try the look away trick.
To do this, look away from the camera,
then turn towards it, breaking into a smile
just before the camera clicks.
Your smile will appear fresh, not frozen.
This trick takes practice behind closed, locked doors.

Julyne also adds that when taking a photo
it's also important the photographer does not
snap the picture from below.
Every camera automatically adds ten pounds
to begin with.
This adds another 20-50 pounds
on top of that.

Better remember that one!

Of course, from personal experience,
I find that hiding behind a couch,
a pillow, or the refrigerator door
helps immensely.
And spinning in circles-around and around-
whenever someone grabs the camera
makes the resulting photo
very blurry and unidentifiable.

But, seriously.
No one other than the very beautiful
or the very thin really like
pictures of themselves.

So- until we all achieve that goal
at the end of our journey-
the best thing to do
is not stress out over picture taking.

It's what's inside that counts.

And someday-
you'll be able to come out
from behind the pillow-
crawl out of the refrigerator-
hop over the couch-
and SMILE!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

War (On Fat) Games

I've been doing all kinds of things
to help me along this weight loss path.
Any method that causes fat to melt away
without killing you
is always a good thing.

I read somewhere that if you
can't afford to attend a gym-
then partake in children' s games
such as hopscotch, jump rope,
hula hoop and Twister.
The physical exertion helps burn calories
while you're having good old fashioned fun.

Well, my hopping turned to shuffling,
my jumping turned to
the hula hoop constantly gravitated to my feet,
and Twister isn't any fun
when you play by yourself.

Every time I'd get Right Foot Blue
or Left Hand Yellow-
I'd have to get up to spin that wacky wheel.

So I kept searching for better ways.

Then a friend suggested replacing my
desk chair with a stability ball.
Supposedly this substitution burns calories
and also helps with posture.

I still for the life of me can't figure
why they call it a stability ball.

The first time I sat on it,
that sucker rolled me across the room
and right out the back door.

Now my posture is screwed up from the body cast.

Then I tried eating off smaller plates.
Now I have fill them up four times.

Maybe I should have used something
a bit larger than that Barbie tea set.

I have even tried belly dancing,
martial arts, and yoga.

Not pretty.

I was still readily open to any helpful
suggestions when I read a magazine article
that said that the color blue
suppresses appetite.
Orange and red seem to increase it.
Thus, Ronald McDonald,
Wendy's, and Pizza Hut.

So, I thought- I can do this.
I can get rid of my yellow kitchen walls,
buy new blue plates,
and change out my red jogging suit
for a blue one.

It didn't work.

I started taking my food to the
other room to eat,
set up a hotplate in my terra-cotta
colored bathroom,
and couldn't find blue paper plates anywhere!

The last straw was when I followed
the advice of a talk show host.
It worked for her.
She said to simply
eat in front of a mirror naked.

That went badly, too.

The manager of Applebee's
threw me out before
I even finished my appetizer!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

A Secret Ingredient

There are many things a person needs
in order to start a successful diet.

Make sure you have a little food scale,
a BIG bathroom scale,
and various booklets on calorie count,
nutrition and fat content.

(It might also help to have something
that could tell you what in the world
you could possibly eat
if the whole world disappeared
except for McDonald's.)

Make sure you have salt and butter
and sugar substitutes,
measuring cups and spoons,
and lots of zip lock baggies full
of prepared veggies.

you guys know all that!
You probably already have
the basics in place.

What I really want
to talk about today is...

Every dieting person in the world
needs to go out immediately
and buy new underwear.
No- don't wait till you can buy
a smaller size.
Don't tell me you're going
to reward yourself later.

Do it now.

Because there is nothing quite as comforting
and fresh and youthful
as snapping on a cottony brief
that doesn't know you yet.

There's a sense of new beginnings-
pure tranquility...
smooth luxury.
It's like a secret ingredient in life
that makes you just
feel good.

Throw those stretched-out
big-girl bloomers in the trash!
Fling that Cross Your Big Fat Heart
brassiere to to the burn pile.

While you're at it-
buy yourself some nice thick socks.
Some that hug your feet
and make you want to dance.

It doesn't matter if you
weight 200 pounds or
500 pounds-
new underwear will make you feel
sexy, alive,
and ready to take on the world.

After all,
that's what we're here for-
isn't it?

Monday, February 16, 2009

Deja Vu

Last year at this time I was rushing to WalMart
at several digits over the legal speed limit.
I didn't want to be late or to miss the event!
All Valentine candy was 70 percent off!

I pictured my chrome cart toppling over
with caramel nougats, dark chocolate cherries,
and my favorite creamy truffles.
From this After-The-Event Sale,
I would have enough stash
to last me till Easter.

But this year was different.

I only watch as others pile up their baskets
and scramble past me
to grab the sugar-shocking bargains.

At the checkout lately,
I've been studying the contents
that people put into their carts.
I've grown appalled by the junk food
that some people buy.

Apparently they have no idea
about the calories and fat and sugar
they have chosen.
They are still oblivious to
the way it makes them feel-
or look.

But I can't help but feel the
sadness of familiarity -
of deja vu-
of being the big woman in line
with the cookies and pizza and Pepsi.

That was me.
Less than two months ago.

I may not look any different yet.
If you blur your eyes,
it could still be me standing there.

The big difference between us
that I'm making new choices.

I look at their carts
and I want to reach out
and tell them about this trip.
This enlightenment-
the decision to make changes in our lives.
I want to beg them to
check their habits-
summon up their willpower,
know that it's never too late
to do what's best.

Sure, there are still a few things
in the shadows of my cart
that aren't quite perfect.
I still desire certain foods
and struggle with the changes everyday.

So- I ask myself-
who am I?
Who am I to judge- to preach-
to criticize?

How many wasted years did I not listen?

How many times did I hear about
the reality of being overweight and
simply chose to ignore it?

This 200 day journey keeps me alive-
alert- ready to be better.
And all of you- my readers-
keep me balanced- focused-inspired.
Whenever I think about grabbing a sugar snack
or a greasy burger,
the thought of you keeps me grounded.
And out of the candy aisle!

For those of you who haven't
made the commitment yet,
today is the day to start.

It's not too late
to unpack your grocery cart
of all that temporary gratification-
and fill it
with lasting promises.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Just Say No

Well, it's here.
That mushy, moody,
magenta-marinated day
of love and hugs and kisses.
Of roses and candlelight
I just can't bring myself to say it...

But it's time we faced it head on.

Maybe you aren't like me, though.
Maybe you haven't suffered
chocolate hallucinations
since this journey started.

Maybe looking at a bunch of grapes
doesn't remind you of malted milk balls.
Perhaps the computer mouse doesn't
morph into a Snickers bar once in awhile.
You may not have a muddy pond
outside your window
that sometimes gives the illusion
of being a giant sweet hole
of chocolate milk.

Before this diet
I consumed more chocolate
than Willie Wonka.
It was a daily drug.
A dependency.

I'd spend my money on
a package of Hersey's Kisses
instead of shampoo.

....My hair went dirty for weeks.

I'd buy Milky Way Bars by the dozen
before I'd pay the cable bill.

...I missed the whole season
of Grey's Anatomy.

But, I know this diet journey
is the road to recovery.
Of seeing fruits and vegetables
as the "good guys",
of gradually leading chocolate
out the back door
and kicking him into the gutter.

I've told my husband not to buy
me chocolates or candy
for Valentine's Day.
And I think he'll listen.

Especially after the incident
with the electric company
and the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

Happy Valentines Day
to all of you on this 200 day journey
of Finding Thin!
Be strong.
Be firm.
Be the you that you dream.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Today's Top Ten

I have avoided buying any new clothes lately
because I am hoping that by summer
I will be buying smaller sizes
and more modern styles.
So far the old blue jeans
aren't falling off of me-
but given time-
I anticipate an entire closet of
things I that are too large
and way too dated.

Which brings me to the subject
of my blog today:
The Top Ten Things To Do
Your Fat Clothes
Once You Are
The Weight Is Gone
It Will Never Find You Again.

Here goes.
(And remember folks,
I'm poking fun of myself here, too.)

10. Donate your old winter coats to a local chapter of the
Stallion Station and Breeding Management School.
This is a foundation created for horses that
have been rescued and are being rehabilitated.
The volunteers there are always seeking
large sized coats to wrap the horses in during
the winter breeding.
(However, chances are- they'll never score in them either.)

9. This is a great time to upholster your old
sectional sofa. Distressed denim is the new microfiber.
Two or three jeans and a giant needle later-
your furniture will be the envy of the neighborhood.

8. Replace that worn patio umbrella with one
of your soft cotton polos. Scotchgard it for extra
protection in rainy climates and recycle
any buttons to your sewing basket.

7. Donate your old panty hose or tights
to the nearest fruit nursery. Light weight nylon
can be used to cover acres of sensitive shrubs
when frost threatens.

6. Those huge Playtex bras will find a good home
at any psychiatric hospital. A clever snip of the straps
and very light weight protective helmets
can be formed from the remaining wired domes.

5. Your old socks will make excellent doggie sweaters
for larger breeds such as the Great Dane and Mastiff.
And your local animal shelter might ever give you
a nifty canine calendar in return.

4. Got some too-large undies? Not for profit
organizations in Ireland are looking for donations
to retrofit their catapults with watermelon slings.

3. Have you even lost weight in your hands?
Gloves that no longer fit would be a godsend
to a regional dairy farm. Even in today's
modern barns, cows require warm teats
for proper milk emission.

2. The Girl Scouts of America have been
experimenting with innovative ways to
form shelters and tents. That ugly blouse
of yours might look lovely by campfire light.

And, finally-
the Number One thing to do with
your fat clothes:

1. Keep them in your closet as a reminder.
Look at them. Laugh at them. Snub them.
Know without a single doubt that
you will never,
wear them again.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Shake It, Shake It, Baby!

There are so many fad diets out there lately
that it's difficult to decide
which one to choose.
Hopefully by now
you have all settled into a routine
that is not only comfortable-
but also affective.

The general basis of any diet
is the moderation of food and
the increase in exercise.
Following a balanced plan-
and being patient for the results
is the smartest thing you can do.

However, I have found a few little things
a person can do
to help ward off the urge to eat
objectionable foodstuff.

It is always a curse to have
cookies and cakes available to any dieter
because we all know that the Willpower Dam
can burst at any given moment
and a flood of calories can be consumed
in your involuntary subconscious state.

But I do like to keep a few treats handy
for when my grand kids visit.
Why should they suffer
just because I am?

Anyway, there have been a few occasions
where they have left a stray donut,
an ounce of crumbled Oreos,
or ten fingers worth of cheese residue
in the bottom of the Cheetos bag.

I have discovered that if you immediately
douse the food in question
with Tabasco,
it will automatically send
a message to your brain telling you
that this food is no longer desirable,
favorable, or attractive.

Shaking on sufficient hot sauce
will work as a miracle deterrent
against accidental consumption.

In fact, yesterday I purchased the
Tabasco with Habanero Peppers
and saturated the last slice
of left-over chocolate cake.

Oh- one very important thing to remember.
Let everyone else in the family know
about the pepper sauce.

My dieting husband's mouth
still burns like Hell...

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Great Expectations

Someone once said that losing weight
is not a cure for life.
They warn us that even after
reaching our goal weight,
we will still have the same spouse,
same kids, the same house,
the same job and the same life.

Of course, that is probably the opinion
of some rail-skinny doctor
who has never finished off an entire pecan pie
while watching Jeopardy.

If you go into a diet expecting anything
other than a new life, then I say-
"Why do it?"
For me, a diet will change my life.

Yes, I will still have the same husband.
But he will want to make savage love to me
whenever I walk across the room
in something other than my
greasy sweat shirt and flannel sleep pants.

Same kids.
But I'll finally have leverage with my girls.
They'll want to borrow my cute new clothes.
Maybe I can bribe them to weed the flower bed
in exchange for wearing those awesome jeans.

My house will change- sure it will.
It will be full of healthy foods,
the doorways will seem larger,
and I will have a psychotic fear
of falling through the toilet seat.
I'll have massive mounds of beautiful landscaping
because I'll be able to bend over easily
to pluck up weeds-
And that same old car?
Well- it will finally be clean.
Sparking- because I've exercised
my way around it twenty times
with a soapy sponge.

The same old job?
No. No. No.
People will treat you differently.
There won't be Donut Day in the lounge.
You'll be able to wear real jeans
on casual Fridays
and you'll smile more.
Confidence will be an asset
and you will finally possess it.

The same old life?
Only if you want it to be.

Maybe I'm getting crazy.
But I believe that finding thin
will be like finding a new world.
The world you saw in fantastic dreams-
the world you cried yourself to sleep over
after someone called you fat-
the world that is merely baby steps away-
shining- breathing- ready for you
to break from your cocoon
and celebrate.

We can't always listen to the experts.
We have to listen to our hearts.

However, someone else once said this about dieting-
"Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels."

Can't wait....
Our new life is just around the bend.

Let's go!

Monday, February 9, 2009

It's All About The Shoes

Starting a diet is a lot like buying a new pair of shoes.

Not only are there hundreds and hundreds
to chose from,
but somehow we manage to try on
and accumulate several over the years.

Just like shoes,
sometimes the fit of a diet isn't quite right.
Too restrictive-
too boring-
Way too fancy-
Or even too loose.
That just gives us the excuse
to go out shopping
for something better.

Just like buying new shoes,
whenever we start a new diet,
we treat it carefully at first.
Loving the way it fits.

It just feels right, doesn't it?

We write down the calories carefully,
we weigh our meat choices,
and we savor new flavors.
We love the way we start to look
in this diet.

But soon
we grow tired of keeping it polished-
it becomes boring-
you begin to get a big ol' diet blister
that won't go away.
You think about throwing this diet
in the back of the closet
and giving up.
You want to just go running
through fields of chocolate chips
and ruin it completely.
You dream of something better.

But stop.
The blisters are only temporary.
And when they go away,
you will be a new person.
Your shoes will sparkle and shine
your body will be thankful
you didn't go a little crazy on it.

If you don't do it today, that big old diet shoe
will come kick you in the big old butt someday.
Believe me.

you can change shoes once in awhile.
Have a nice Valentine dinner
with your sweetheart.
Try a cupcake at the baby shower.
Steal a couple of french fries from the kids.

But know when to stop.
Know when to pull those diet shoes back on
and walk the straight and narrow again.
Know when to set aside the play shoes
and get serious.

My sweet sister-in-law Karla
confessed to me recently that
she has been experiencing a great deal
of personal and professional stress lately.
Even though she is dieting,
she told her co-workers that
she just had to have chocolate!
"I had just one mini-candy bar
and that is all it took", she said.
Karla knew when to stop.
She knew that two might lead to six
and six to twelve
and soon the entire bag would
be empty before sensibility took over.

I'm proud of you, Karla.
I think you know your new diet shoes
make you look taller :) and cuter.

So, I just want to say to everybody-
just know when to stop.
When to say no.
When to just walk away in
your brand new diet shoes,
smile proudly,
and say-
"No thanks".

Saturday, February 7, 2009

A Little Dab'L Do Ya

Diet Know-it-Alls came up with
a clever spray-on salad dressing
a few years ago.
And since I was always one to try
innovative products that
would aid in my weight loss,
I purchased several in various flavors.

I prepared a huge healthy salad-
all the while anticipating
the first savory bite
that would sparkle my taste buds
but stay off of my waist.

I shot a mist of Italian spray
on my mound of lettuce.

I looked closer.

Was that it?

I pumped out another few spritzes-
not sure any of them made contact
with the target.
Then I tasted a slice of cucumber
that couldn't possibly have
avoided the vinegar shower,
and realized it was still dry
and unappealing.

I sprayed.
And sprayed.
And sprayed.
Half a bottle later, I began to see
a wet glaze over my vegetables
and they started to taste somewhat palatable.

I soon ditched that dandy diet discovery.

Now someone has invented a food spray
called Flavor Spray.
(Catchy name, isn't it? Bet those guys spent
a lot of sleepless nights coming up with that one.)
Zero calories, zero cholesterol,
zero carbs and zero fat.
Yep-A true dieter's dream!

Like the salad spray, the Flavor Spray
can be misted over bland tasting foods
to make them taste better.
Your turkey a little dry?
Pump on the Turkey Flavor Spray
and you've got a virtual Thanksgiving feast!
How about a bit of Memphis BBQ Flavor Spray
on that dull tofu burger?
Or a blast of Cheesecake Spray
on that lo-fat cottage cheese?

The possibilities are endless.
So are the flavors.

According to the press release from Flavor Spray, the sprays are categorized into four taste-bud-tempting groups: Classic, Exotic, Sweet & Sinful, and Fruit.

For example,tempting Sweet & Sinful flavors include: Banana Split Spray, Birthday Cake Spray, Chocolate Fudge Spray, Cookies & Cream Spray, Marshmallow Spray, Mocha Spray, Raspberry Bubblegum Spray, Root Beer Float Spray, Strawberry Shortcake Spray, Cheesecake Spray, Apple Pie Spray, Raspberry Chocolate Truffle, Coconut Spray.

Sorry, but a shot of Banana Split Spray
on my fat free yogurt just doesn't cut it.
Gonna need a bigger bottle
and a garden hose to sell me on that one!

Friday, February 6, 2009

Proceed With Caution

I know we are all in the same boat.

But we're staying on course.
The load is getting lighter-
the sailing a bit smoother everyday.
We can almost see the shoreline
if we blur our eyes and row harder.

But don't row too hard.
Save some strength for tomorrow-
don't get burnt out, injured
or sick.
Finding thin takes time.

I suppose I should have included a warning
before starting this blog
just to inform people to see their doctor
before starting any type of weight loss program.
Yet- it seems crazy to me
to pay Dr. Farari a huge part of the
bank account just to tell you to
watch your calorie intake and to exercise more.
It's common sense.

But I guess there are some people out there
that are desperate.
Those that will resort to laxatives,
fat flushers, special shakes,
and diet drugs.
Those that want immediate satisfaction-
quick results
and instant thinness.

Venturing into the realm of quick fixes
is not only dangerous but foolish.

You might as well cut off your arm.

That'll rid you of approximately
10-20 pounds.

Need your arms?
Well, according to online information
collected by someone named Keesha Myas,
removing certain body parts
can significantly lower your body weight.


Here are some examples of Keesha's
Amputation Diet Plan that may not
be as harmful as chopping off a limb:

Do this: Lose this:
Clip finger and toenails 1 ounce maximum
Haircut 2-6 ounces
Drastic Haircut / Headshave 4-12 ounces
Trim Body Hair 1 oz. (ladies) 3 oz. (men) 24 lbs (Greek men)
Remove a wart 1 oz.
Vascetomy none.
Take a big pee. up to 1.5 pounds
Take a big dump up to 2.5 pounds
Go barefoot 1-2 pounds
Go Naked 1-8 pounds (summer vs. winter)
Contact lenses vs. Glasses 0.3 pounds
Don't wear underwear 1 oz. (thong)-2 lbs. (granny panties)
Exfoliating face wash nothin.
Liposuction 10 lbs maximum per surgery
Donate a kidney 3 pounds.
Breast Reduction Surgery 5-15 pounds typically.

So, this bit of humor today
is just to get you to look in the mirror
and smile.
Love yourself just as you are.

Dieting is serious business,
but don't take it too seriously.
Don't endanger your health
for want of a different body.
Don't rock the boat and drown
before you've reached
the warm sandy beaches
of your new future.

And don't believe everything you read!

Because after playing with the scale this morning,
I know for a fact that my granny panties
only weigh 4 tenths of an ounce!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Picture Yourself

Some people have asked me lately
why I don't post any pictures of myself
to track my weight loss online.

Well, other than the fact
that I don't want to attract
the unwanted attention of
psycho murdering cyber stalkers
who like chubby women -
the reason is
that everyone has their own
idea of what fat is.

When I was younger and 120 lbs,
I thought I was fat.
My legs didn't even really know
the ripple of lumpy cellulite
or the effects of evil gravity yet.
But I tortured myself
with critical self-doubt
and decided I must do something
to get into shape.

Of course, those were the days
of Susan Powter flexing her
woman muscles
and sweet Olivia Newton John
smiling as she sweat to
"Let's Get Physical".

There were fitness gurus everywhere.
Life was all about a good workout.

I went out and bought
a complete exercise outfit
so that I could stretch and jump
in front of the television
to some upbeat disco hits.

I bought a turquoise blue body suit
that consisted of thin suspenders
and an undershirt.
Beneath that were
thick matching turquoise tights
-and over those-
the loveliest pair of leg warmers
that money could buy.

I quickly got into a daily exercise routine.

For about five days.

Next time I looked in the mirror,
it was twenty years
and fifty pounds later.

So, what you all might consider fat-
may be thin to others.
If I posted a picture of myself and you said,
"OMG what a big woman!"-
then you might look at yourself
and say "I look pretty good next to her."
And you might give up on the diet
and stop reading my blog.

On the other hand, if my picture
made me seem thin to you,
then you might think you are so
much heavier
that no amount of dieting -
or this silly inspiration blog
will ever help you.

However, I am hoping that
at the end of these 200 days,
I can make a progressive video
of this journey as my final entry.
I will post it -whether good or bad.

So- let's not compare.
Not pounds or inches or methods.
Not body suits or gym equipment-
or photos.

Let's just do it.
This crazy beautiful grueling thing
we call a diet.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Lift Me Up

I read somewhere recently that
a new item called a Butt Bra
will soon be available for purchase
in the U.S.

It's called the Biniki
and I can just imagine
the line that will be forming
in front of JCPenny
when it goes on sale.

Here's what this new device claims to do:
• Holds up the weight of the buttocks
• Smooths out the back of the thighs
• Lifts and defines the buttock’s curvature
• Maximizes small/flat derrieres
• Leaves no visible line under most clothing
• Enhances the effect of form fitting clothes
• Adds comfort because of support
• Provides a put together look

In other words, it's kinds like getting
butt Botox.
Lifts and smooths and gives the impression
that you are actually very toned
in that particular area.

Funny what some people will do.
We invest our hard earned money on
Spanx and cellulite creams
and support bras.
We hide under tummy tuckers,
push-ups and modern day corsets.
We try everything within our power
to hide what we know
is unattractive.

Do we really think anyone
is stupid enough to think
an obese woman doesn't have
back fat?
Or believe that a 300 pound lady
doesn't have belly bulge?

One argument for wearing these miracle
slimming products is that we feel better
about ourselves.
People don't seem to stare as much.

I know I'll feel better when I lose weight.

I'll be able to walk and run better
and spend the day doing yard work
without having to rest so often.
I'll be able to buy a greater selection
of clothes and shoes
and carry myself with a bit
more confidence.

But, I do think the Butt Bra
might be going too far.

I mean, I may take off weight,
but I'm never going to be able
to take off years.

Who wants to see a thin old lady
with a nineteen year old
high, firm butt?

...On second thought-
who wants to
camp out with me
at JCPenny later?

(Post Note: Oh,and by the way-
that butt photo is NOT me!)

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Gaining Perspective

I hope yesterday's entry didn't scare anyone off.

Here I am, a diet blogger-
admitting that I backslid on my diet.
Kinda like an airline pilot
telling you he can't really fly.
Or a Save The Whales spokesman
admitting he eats Shamu steaks
for breakfast.

But the good news is-
I actually lost weight this week!
I was afraid to weigh in-
trembling slightly and trying to guess
what the damage might be.
"Two pounds? One point five? Six?"
My mind swirled and fretted
for hours till I finally
took the plunge and stepped
aboard the scale.
I had lost six tenths of a pound.

It's sad that we get afraid.
Afraid of not losing-
of not living up to our expectations-
or the promises we've made to
ourselves and our family.
There are people out there waiting
to see us push through that rope
and into a healthy life.

I know- in the scheme of things,
six tenths sounds like flea poop,
but to anyone on a diet- it is
like losing a land mass.
Every single tenth and hundredth
of a pound is an accomplishment-
a product of blood, sweat and tears.
A result of commitment and
internal torment.

Today I finally flipped the calendar
to February and decided it was a good time
to mark some dates in the future
that I can look forward to and work toward.
I think setting goals and giving yourself
rewards helps speed the progression.

A few more pounds and I'm
getting myself some better art supplies.
A little more and
it's a day at the hairdresser.
My birthday is in May
and I told myself if I lose a certain
amount by then -that I will buy
myself a new summer outfit.
It keeps me motivated.

But the date I have circled in red
is July 24th.
Goal Day- the finish line
of a 200 day journey.

It's really not that far off.

Along the way,there are going to be times
when another piece of baked chicken
will make you just want to cluck
or another piece of poached fish
cause you to swim under the covers and cry.

But there are also going to be the times
when no matter how boring and bad
and painful and sad this diet is-
you are going to get your second wind
and sprint through this tribulation
with head held high.

Can't wait to see you there.
At the end of 200 days-
soft and tan
and laughing in the sunlight-
no longer afraid-
knowing quite certain
that happiness is simply...
finding thin.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Adjusting My Compass

Okay, folks-
I'm just gonna be forthright and just spit it out (which is what I should have been doing more of all weekend!)
I partook in unfavorable nutritional choices the last two days.

In other words- I cheated on my diet.
I wandered from the path and was temporarily lost.

Oh my gosh, I just hate the word cheat.
It's so villainous sounding- like I've put on a hooded cloak or a face mask and went around sneaking giant bites of a sub sandwich hidden in my armpit.
It sounds like I stuffed my bra with Cheetos and cowered in the bathroom stall somewhere until I finished every crumb.
I picture a big fat red devil woman cackling insanely as she devours the entire Dairy Queen menu.

When the word cheat is used, it sounds so criminal, so permanent, so unforgiving.

But, today I am forgiving myself.
I am looking myself in the eye and regaining control again.
If I can't at least do that, then I'm screwed.

That's how this crazy diet thing is done.
You have to be able to pick yourself up, brush yourself off
and start the journey again on the right foot.

I had a wedding reception to attend Saturday night and decided to have the BBQ and mashed potatoes.
That was probably well within limits.
And I had a small slice of wedding cake, which was totally acceptable. (A month ago I would have picked the largest slice- twice!)
It's just the three margaritas afterwards and the hot wings during the Super Bowl that has caused me to regroup this morning.

But on the big chalkboard of life, I just have to erase the weekend.
Let it go.

It could have been worse.
I could have binged all day.
If I hadn't held the reigns somewhat firmly, the whole wagon would have crashed off the edge of the cliff and I'd be a hypocrite trying to tell you all how easy this journey can be.

I got my skinny jeans out of the closet this morning and rocked them gently.
I pulled out old photos of thinner days and kissed them softly.
I breathed deep, showered, got dressed, put on makeup and fixed my hair.

Then I walked out of the woods,
smiled confidently-
and stepped back onto the trail again.