War (On Fat) Games

I've been doing all kinds of things
to help me along this weight loss path.
Any method that causes fat to melt away
without killing you
is always a good thing.

I read somewhere that if you
can't afford to attend a gym-
then partake in children' s games
such as hopscotch, jump rope,
hula hoop and Twister.
The physical exertion helps burn calories
while you're having good old fashioned fun.

Well, my hopping turned to shuffling,
my jumping turned to
laying-down-on-the-bed-gasping-for-air,
the hula hoop constantly gravitated to my feet,
and Twister isn't any fun
when you play by yourself.

Every time I'd get Right Foot Blue
or Left Hand Yellow-
I'd have to get up to spin that wacky wheel.

So I kept searching for better ways.

Then a friend suggested replacing my
desk chair with a stability ball.
Supposedly this substitution burns calories
and also helps with posture.

I still for the life of me can't figure
why they call it a stability ball.

The first time I sat on it,
that sucker rolled me across the room
and right out the back door.

Now my posture is screwed up from the body cast.

Then I tried eating off smaller plates.
Now I have fill them up four times.

Maybe I should have used something
a bit larger than that Barbie tea set.

I have even tried belly dancing,
martial arts, and yoga.

Not pretty.

I was still readily open to any helpful
suggestions when I read a magazine article
that said that the color blue
suppresses appetite.
Orange and red seem to increase it.
Thus, Ronald McDonald,
Wendy's, and Pizza Hut.

So, I thought- I can do this.
I can get rid of my yellow kitchen walls,
buy new blue plates,
and change out my red jogging suit
for a blue one.

It didn't work.

I started taking my food to the
other room to eat,
set up a hotplate in my terra-cotta
colored bathroom,
and couldn't find blue paper plates anywhere!

The last straw was when I followed
the advice of a talk show host.
It worked for her.
She said to simply
eat in front of a mirror naked.

That went badly, too.

The manager of Applebee's
threw me out before
I even finished my appetizer!