Thursday, February 19, 2009

Smash that Camera, Will 'Ya?

As anyone in my family can attest-
I hate every photograph I've ever been in.

(Well- not counting Halloween photos
when I'm dressed up and have fangs
and a cape is covering my belly bulge).

But even those candid shots of me
slicing the birthday cake
or wrapping Christmas presents
or laughing over a bottle of wine-
can cause me to cringe
with disgust.

Maybe if I didn't have
the double chins,
the spare tire-
the foot-stool bootie
and the upper arm wings-
I might look okay.

So, I did a little exploration
of how to look better in photographs.
This is what I discovered.
Hope it helps you, too.

Julyne of shares her methods:

Secret No. 1: Turn partially sideways to the camera.
Planting one foot in front of the other.
Point your toe to the camera and place your weight on your back foot.

Secret No. 2: Pull head forward slightly to hide any appearance of
a double chin.

Secret No. 3: Hold arms slightly away from your body.
This keeps upper arm flab from flattening out
and therefore appearing flabbier
(much like thighs do when one sits on a couch).

Secret No. 4: Pull shoulders back, chest forward
and gently suck stomach in.
Be careful not to suck stomach so far in that your ribs show,
thereby causing those who later see the photo
to cluck to themselves in a bemused, sing-song voice,
"She's sucking i-in."

Secret No. 5: If you can get away with it without
looking like a model wannabe, try the look away trick.
To do this, look away from the camera,
then turn towards it, breaking into a smile
just before the camera clicks.
Your smile will appear fresh, not frozen.
This trick takes practice behind closed, locked doors.

Julyne also adds that when taking a photo
it's also important the photographer does not
snap the picture from below.
Every camera automatically adds ten pounds
to begin with.
This adds another 20-50 pounds
on top of that.

Better remember that one!

Of course, from personal experience,
I find that hiding behind a couch,
a pillow, or the refrigerator door
helps immensely.
And spinning in circles-around and around-
whenever someone grabs the camera
makes the resulting photo
very blurry and unidentifiable.

But, seriously.
No one other than the very beautiful
or the very thin really like
pictures of themselves.

So- until we all achieve that goal
at the end of our journey-
the best thing to do
is not stress out over picture taking.

It's what's inside that counts.

And someday-
you'll be able to come out
from behind the pillow-
crawl out of the refrigerator-
hop over the couch-
and SMILE!


sisterlinda said...

You all know I have my own tricks for taking a photo. Gotta be sitting at a table, put your elbows on the table, lean forward and put your hand beneath your! It really doesn't work, that well, but it makes me feel a little better.

I too have always hated ALL photos of me (except for the '70's when I was small) There is one thing about it, we will have something to look back at, and compare to and make the promise to NEVER look that way again!

Kari D said...

I know exactly what you mean. When I started working out they asked me what my goal was. I told them that I wanted to have someone take my picture without me hating it. I'll try those tips and see if it helps.