Friday, July 31, 2009

Fixing Fat

Well, the past week
has not been any easier than
the 200 days that came before it.

I'm still struggling,
but I do feel more aware
of my food choices.
I'm making an extra effort
to avoid sweets
and pastas
and I'm pushing myself a little
harder at Curves.

My oldest daughter has always
worn larger sizes than me,
but yesterday I accompanied her
into the dressing room
while she shopped for new jeans.

Her newly shaped body looked

And I couldn't help but notice
that frumpy fat woman
in the mirror
who looked old and worn
and teetering on
the point of no return.

I tried to comfort myself
by reaffirming the fact that
you can't fix "old".

But you can fix "fat".

that is just what I'm
going to continue
trying to do.

I'll be back here the first of
hopefully with a better attitude
and a spark of hope.

Keep it up, girls.

It will all be worth it
in the end.

Friday, July 24, 2009

The Show Must Go On....

There is so much to say.
Yet, there is nothing to say.

You would think that with
200 days to do it-
I could have said it all,
done it all-
finished this journey
with head held high
(and smaller sized clothes).

Back in January,
I honestly thought that I'd
be able to pat myself on the back
come July.
I thought that this would be my
day of celebration and rewards-
of hugging you all
and giving high-fives all around.

I never thought the journey
would be easy.
But I thought it would
be possible.

I still think that.

I just wasn't propelled.
I wasn't strict enough-
I didn't stay the course-
I didn't avoid the pitfalls-
(or ignore the donuts!).

But this journey has not been in vain.

Along the way, I've met
some great friends.
Knowing you have been there
rooting for me every day
has been a blessing to me-
and I thank you all-
whomever you may be.

And, if you have met with success-
let me be the first to congratulate you
on a job well done.
You look amazing!

As a result of this journey,
I may not have Found Thin-
but I found a part of myself along the way.

I've also found that it's better to have a plan
and not just set sail into the darkness.
Write it down.
Do it.
Follow it.
Live it.

(And don't wait till Monday!)

I've found that it's okay to laugh
at yourself-
But it's also okay to cry, too.

I've found that heavy people
can still be happy.
They can still dance,
and sing,
and make love.
They can still be somebody.
The only thing holding them back
is themselves.
(Or a size 44 bra!)

I've realized that Hollywood
is full of a bunch of
starving bitches
who don't deserve my time
or attention.

I've realized you can't hide
a candy bar for very long-
Because you might forget
what day you gave birth
to your first child-
but you will never, ever,
forget where you hid
that candy bar.

I've realized that One Cup
does not mean a coffee mug
filled to the top,
or an ounce doesn't mean
whatever will fit in a taco.

I've realized that
the scale is my friend
and not the enemy.
It is truthful,
does not criticize,
and is always there
waiting for me each morning.

I've realized there are some people
that are always gonna love you-
no matter what size you are.
And there are people that will
never love you-
no matter how thin you are.

I've realized that forward
is the only direction.
It does no good to look back.
To say what was-
what could have been-
past weight and old clothes
and days that are no more...

It is a new day.
A new life.
A new journey.

I have come to realize
that each and every day of life
is a commitment.
To God,
our spouses,
and ourselves.

We must not forget
that it is up to us
to fortify and strengthen
these commitments.
They do not exist without us.
They will not survive
if we do not nurture and direct them.

We must stand firm,
yet tread gently.
We must love ourselves
no matter the circumstances.
We must always hold our heads high
(and never compare ourselves
to Angelina Jolie!)

I've found out that a diet
is just a tool.
And you have to use it properly
or it doesn't work.

I've found out that a diet
is a vehicle.
It will take you where you
want to go-
if you provide the proper fuel.
Too much grease and fat
will put you in the repair shop
down in Fat Town
and your journey will be delayed.

I've discovered that good intentions
are never enough-
Actions speak louder than words.
And no-fat cottage cheese
tastes like paper pulp.

I have decided that I will
start a new journey.
The first day of every month,
I will post my progress
right here on this blog.

I'd like you all to comment with
your progress, your stories-
your commitment.

it's not over.
It has just begun.

Thank you for all your
support and prayers
and slaps on the hand.

I'm still here for you, too.

The new ship sails on August 1st.
Come see me if you want to ride along.

Love, Peace, and Rice Cakes!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

The End Is In Sight

What once seemed like a lifetime
now unfolds into mere hours-
and my 200 day deadline
is almost a shadow on my wall.

It's about to pass me up
and fade into darkness.

I feel like I'm on a big ship
with all of you.

It's been fun.

We've shared everything from
to saggy butts.

We've started and stopped.
And started.
And stopped.
And started.

We've learned-
and grown-
and realized that we must
humor ourselves in order
to accept ourselves.

We've weathered stormy seas
and felt the sunshine on our faces.

We've laughed.
And cried.
And cursed the bathroom scale.

We've cheated.
And lied.
And tried harder than we thought possible.

...And found a little bit of ourselves in the process.

The ship is about to anchor.
The 200 day tour is almost over.

Some of you probably
got out at the last port-
stunningly smart in your
new thin bodies-
no longer needing a lifesaver
to keep you afloat-
no longer needing a captain
because you've learned to steer
away from bad habits.

It's sad for me.
I feel like I'm going down with the ship.

And saying goodbye
is almost harder than
saying I failed.

I do have till midnight tomorrow!

I believe in miracles.
I believe in the strength of dreams.
I believe that good things take time.
I believe that another ship
will come along soon
and the trip will be easier.

But today I feel like Gilligan.
Like I've screwed up so many times
that I'll never make it home.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Meditation As Medication

One of my very kind followers,
(hostagirl), commented yesterday
that she remembers what is was like
to be thin.

I do, too.

I remember how it was easy
to tie shoes,
pick green beans,
run with the kids
and feel good naked.

I remember what is was like
to have clothes that fit,
that look good
and that get compliments.

I remember what it was like
to only have to worry about my hair-
and not what was going on
below the neckline.

I remember being thin
and feeling like nothing
in the world could stop me
from my dreams.

Being heavy
clouds those dreams.
Makes a person feel inferior,
clumsy, slow and unintelligent.

Being heavy puts limits on your
actions, activities, attitude
and aspirations.

It is a matter of mind set.
I still believe that.

If you haven't convinced your brain
-(or your heart)-
that it's finally time to lose weight,
then you will certainly fail.

So, let me say this.

don't just exercise your body-
exercise your mind.

Go to a quiet place.
Close your eyes...

And remember
what it was like to be thin.....

Thanks, hostagirl.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Another New Diet Do

I've blogged before about
your sense of smell having
a great impact on weight loss.

Well, I just ran across a
new product that professes
to be an innovative weight loss solution.

I'm just going to paste the article here
for your dieting enjoyment.
Let me know if it works for you!

New Food Sprinkle Convinces the Brain to Stop Over-Eating
A California Company has recently launched an interesting new product which may signal a major breakthrough in weight loss. The company, Sensa,, came up with an innovative way to convince the brain to stop overeating.

First the theory behind the product. The obvious fact is that we eat too much. But why? It turns out that's the way our brains are programmed. Throughout our evolutionary history, food has been scarce, so in order to ensure survival, humans have been conditioned to eat as much as they can whenever food is available. Unfortunately, when food is abundant and rich in calories, as it is today, the results can be ugly.

Enter Dr. Alan Hirsch, an intrepid doctor and scientist, whose lifelong specialty has been understanding how our senses, and in particular, smell and taste affect the brain's functioning. Dr. Hirsch noticed that many patients who had lost their sense of smell and taste due to illness or accident experienced rapid weight gain. Certain smells and tastes seemed to be acting on the brain to control the appetite.

Dr Hirsch studied hundreds of compounds and after years of research developed a set of virtually odorless and tasteless food sprinkles that have shown a strong impact on the body's appetite-control center, which he called "Tastants". Then, in one of the largest studies of a non-prescription weight-loss system, these Tastants were tested for effectiveness as a means of weight loss.

The results were significant. Over a 6 month period, 1,436 women and men sprinkled, flavorless "Tastant" crystals on everything they ate, and lost an average of 30.5 pounds - nearly 15% of their total body weight.

Participants achieved these results without having to follow any special exercise regime or diet.

Best of all, because it is tasteless and odorless and contains no stimulants and does not directly interact with the digestive system, there are no unpleasant side-effects. None of the horror stories associated with "fat-blockers" or stimulant based weight loss systems.

According to Dr Hirsch, "With Sensa, you can eat all the foods that satisfy your senses and you don't have to deal with any intense food cravings or feelings of starvation. Sensa merely helps you eat less of the foods you love and gain greater satisfaction from smaller portions."

A flavorless, odorless sprinkle that triggers this type of weight loss - too good to be true? Apparently the company anticipated a somewhat skeptical response from consumers, jaded by a weight loss industry spread thick with misleading claims. For that reason, they have introduced the product through a special Free Trial Offer that lets you try it before paying for it. You can learn more at

Monday, July 20, 2009

Better Late Than Never

I swear I'll be good this week.

I'll count whatever I need to count-
ignore everything I need to ignore,
and forget everything I need to forget.

I'm on a mission.

A little, late, really.

I can see the finish line
on the horizon and I'm not
breathing any easier
or losing my jogging pants yet.

I fantasized about sliding into home
as a real winner.

I have that wedding on Saturday.
Now every family member that
reads this blog is gonna
have some great gossip.

Ha! Ha!
Don't think she Found Thin!

Well, let's just say
I didn't find it in 200 days.
It's going to take a bit longer.

Still got till the end of the week, folks.

Stay with me.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Inches vs. Pounds

While I was huffing and puffing
like the Big Bad Wolf
through my Curves routine
the other day,
I happened to mention the
always-dreaded bathroom scale.

And about that time,
our fantastic Curves leader
overheard me
and suggested that
I throw that scale away!

I am losing inches!
What do pounds matter?

And I am getting stronger every day!

Yes, it got me to thinking
how that might come into play
during my everyday life.

...I'm visiting the Empire State Building...
A railing breaks...I plummet down two stories
where I finally reach for a flag pole...I cling there
above the bustling city...100 stories high...for hours.
But, hey- if it wasn't for Curves, my grip would
have failed in the first 15 seconds!

...I'm traveling the back roads of America...
I reach a desolate, remote area and have to cross
a bridge...There's a load limit.
My weight would be too much for the structure,
but my inches are fine.
What should I do?.....

Don't get me wrong-
I love Curves
and I love the fact that
I've actually lost inches,
but, let's face it.

The scale does matter.

To say the scale doesn't matter
is like saying your hair doesn't matter
when you're dressing for the day.
It's like saying cheese doesn't matter
as long as you have pizza sauce.

To me, they coincide.
They work together
to build a better me.

I do hate the scale,
but it does tell the truth-
and even if it's an ugly truth,
I'm willing to take it.


Does it matter?


I mean, a 500 pound
Popeye is still gonna be unattractive.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


I don't think a single day has gone by
since I started this journey,
that I didn't kick myself.

For cheating, miscalculating,
purging, scarfing, nibbling,
and shoveling.

Pretty good reason
for a swift foot to the rear, I'd say.

Yet, every single morning
has been a clean slate.

Why did I dirty it up?
Why did I stray? Go wild?
Why did I forget the importance of
my journey?

Goal day is in a week and one day.
How much do you think I can lose
before then?

It's sure going to be embarrassing
to admit my experiment failed.
To say I lost my way-
even when I had a compass
and a map
and a book of instructions.

Even when I had all of you
to travel with me.

Here, kick my butt.

Right now I really need it.

The finish line is in sight.
Hold tight....

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Veeta Vita Vegemin

I remember my mom lining all
of us kids up by the fridge
while she measured out teaspoons
of thick, yellow liquid vitamins
so that we would grow up big and strong.

I suppose that vitamins are
a good idea.
Especially for those young picky eaters
that enjoy sweets at every meal
or refuse their daily dose
of healthy vegetables.

I go through phases with my vitamins.
The only time I took them consistently
is when I was pregnant with my children.

Since then, I'll get on a rant
and see a big bottle of healthy-looking
capsules on the store shelf
and promise myself I'll take them
until they're gone.

I couldn't count the number of bottles
I've thrown out that were past their
expiration date-
most a coagulated mass of melted pills
or a dried up powder of unidentifiable

I'm still waiting for that sci-fi vitamin
shaped like a rocket ship that
makes you feel full and takes the place of
actual food.
If I didn't have to go to the grocery store,
I wouldn't be exposed to all the wonders
of a modern bakery or
all the little goodies they tempt you with
on your weekly food tour.

I could probably save a lot of money.

I purchased a big bottle of calcium tablets
a month or so ago,
promising my son that I would
take them religiously-
calming his fears about a crooked backed mom
with osteoporosis.

I choked on those horse pills
for three days
until I decided to put them away
with the other discarded vitamins
in my crowded medicine cabinet.

In my opinion, vitamins
probably don't work well anyway.
Mom wanted us big and strong.

Big took.
Strong didn't.

But- hey- supplement your diet
if you're not getting proper portions
or a good variety of healthy choices.
It couldn't hurt.

In Diet Land,
anything that helps
is fair game.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Dressing Room Discrimination

I guess I'm going to have to
push my chair away from the
roll up my sleeves,
and become a fashion designer
for the body-challenged,
a little-on-the-doughy side
women of the world.

I've been shopping for an outfit
to wear to my nephew's wedding.
Years ago it wasn't a matter of
searching for the clothes-
it was finding the money.

Now I've got the funding,
but all I can find is gorgeous outfits
that only come in single digit sizes,
or horrid, stretchy grandma-gear
that claims to be one size fits most-
which is a big fat lie.

All the new tops make me look pregnant-
the pants make me look like I'm
hiding ten pound bags of potting soil on each thigh,
and the shoes make me look
like a hippo on stilts.

Needless to say,
shopping is a depressing past time
and I've had it up to my double
(Okay... Triple)
chin with this nonsense!!

Here are a few things I'd like
the fashion world to know:

1. Just because it's Plus Size, doesn't
mean it has to be black, elastic, and
printed with flamingos.

2. Use a universal pattern.
I don't want to have to try on
everything from Large to ThreeX.
I want to know my size and enter the
store confidently.

3. Don't ever tell me again that
Jennifer Hudson is a size 6.

4. Segregate the dressing rooms.
I don't want a man, a skinny girl,
or a runway model sharing my
three way mirror.

5. Don't ask the whole freakin' store
to help me find the XXL section.

6. Just because I'm heavy
doesn't mean I don't like sexy underwear,
delicate bras,
and really cool pajamas.

7. Humor me. Like I've said before-
if my food can't be fun, then
something should ne!

8. Look at me like I'm another unique person
that is purchasing clothes-
not a slob with extra cellulite.

9. Don't trick me with
slenderizing mirrors.
Believe me, I know the difference.

10. Help!

Wish me luck.
My search continues.....

Friday, July 10, 2009

It's Not Just A Road Trip

I love what my sister Jewel
said yesterday in her comment.

We aren't on this journey for 200 days.
We are on this journey for life.

And it is so true.
Diets never end.

Even when you shed those pounds
and look like a ravishing doll-
the past will creep up on you
if you ever get lazy again.

Making wise choices
is something we all must do

Eating healthy is
something we must learn-
just like driving a car.

We aren't reckless with
our vehicles-
so why do we crash our diets?

Why do we head down that same old road
that gets no results?

(And why is my GPS set on Dunkin' Donuts?)

This is not just a road trip-
it is a journey of forever.

Every day is still full of baby steps.

Let's steer the right direction
for a while
and see where it leads us.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

I'll Need A XXL Name Tag, Please

I have a class reunion coming up
in October.

You think that would be
incentive enough
to get with the program
and shed some pounds.

Especially since there is
nothing about me
that looks the same
as my Senior picture.

I got to looking at
myself in the mirror....

Shorter hair,
more wrinkled face,
thinning lips.
age spots,
flabby arms,
a giant bi-donk-i-donk,
spreading hips,
a 25 year old post-baby belly
and cankles.

There will be those women
who dieted
and exercised
and treated themselves
to professional hair jobs,
and relaxing vacations.

And they will look like
a million dollars.

Oh, hell!
I know I can't go now!

I've had almost 200 days-
200 tries-
200 start-overs-
and 2 million excuses.


Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Nothing But The Truth

One of the worst things
about being overweight
(besides the sleep apnea,
giant cellulite,
varicose veins,
and granny underwear),
is I can never find anything
to wear.

And I'm not talking for a
special event or holiday.
I'm talking about getting
out of bed and getting
dressed for a regular day at home.

Yesterday I tried on four
different tops
because I had to go to the
grocery store.

First one:
Too tight.
Second one:
Too short
Third one:
Too much cleavage
Forth one:
A big honkin' grease stain on the front.

I pulled my hair out
and stood in the closet
for what seemed like days-
just staring at an assortment
of clothing that
was too small, all wrong,
or just bad taste.

I got down on my knees
right then
and prayed that Stacy and Clinton
from TLC's What Not To Wear
would suddenly appear
in my living room
with a Visa card
and a cure for my
belly fat.

No one came.

So I just strapped on
an old football jersey,
some stretch pants
and flip flops
and went out into
this unfair old world.

A few years ago
I wouldn't have been caught dead
in that nerdy outfit.
I wouldn't have even wore it
in the garden.

times change.
It's all about adapting.

And it's all about knowing
not to wear a butterfly suit
when you're a two ton gorilla.

I'm still on the wagon
but it's stuck
in a fashion nightmare
on Loser Street.

16 days to go.


Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Me And My Shadow

Sometimes my weight seems like
a bigger power than me.
Like a burden that
will never cease-
a heavy fog
that will never lift-
a part of me
that can never be detached.

I've spent the past six months
trying to get control-
to overpower the cravings-
the temptations-
the excuses
and the struggles.

And I still have giant
strides to makes
and miles to go
before I am a winner.

Funny thing I've learned is-
Life gets in the way
of a diet.
We don't get the luxury
of a fat farm
or a personal trainer
or a dietitian.

We are left to our own devices.
We still clean house
and pay bills
and raise children
and cook
and sleep
and play
and eat.

We are still responsible
for all that revolves
around us.
And somehow-
a diet is always the last thing
on the list-
the first event pushed to
the back burner-
the one thing we
continually procrastinate over
and cry about.

Our minds and hearts
know what's right.
We know how to lose weight-
We know what to eat and not eat-
How to exercise-
Be healthy-

that fat person that lives within us
doesn't really want to leave.
That fat person hangs on
and on
till it gains total control
and it's too late to
remember the
person we were before.

I am sick of her.
This fat me.
The one that clings to my body
like a second skin.
Like a huge shadow
that never leaves.

everyday I say I am ready
to wage war
and everyday
I become complacent
and lazy
and forgiving.

We have 17 days.

I'm still not giving up.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Have Fun!

Whatever you do for the holidays-
do it fun!

And-( I guess I'm not such a
good motivator)-
if it means a slice of cake
or a good stiff drink-
then, by all means-

Just remember to do it
all in moderation.
And don't forget that our
trip of 200 days
will be closing soon
and the results
are on your own conscious.

Tell your family how much you
love them this weekend.
Make plans for more get togethers.
Take lots of pictures.

Someday you'll be glad you did.

And like I always tell my kids-
Be safe, but have fun!

See you back here on Monday!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

My Bad

The donut spoke.
I stopped to hear.
It's chocolate goodness
was loud and clear.
I knew it was wrong.
A diet sin.
If I tasted that donut-
I could not FIND THIN!

I turned my head.
I covered my ears.
I forced myself
through all my tears.
I ran away
to watch TV.
But that donut would not stop
bugging me.

I took a peek
into the box
And knew that's why
I must detox
and rid my system of sweets-
and then-
There is a chance

I touched it's roundness-
it's sexy glaze...
and my heart pulsed-
I was in a daze.
Just a nibble?
Just one bite?
I knew it was wrong.
It just wasn't right.

But my mouth opened
and the donut went in.

Oh, help me, please!
I can't FIND THIN!!!!!