Nothing But The Truth

One of the worst things
about being overweight
(besides the sleep apnea,
giant cellulite,
varicose veins,
and granny underwear),
is I can never find anything
to wear.

And I'm not talking for a
special event or holiday.
I'm talking about getting
out of bed and getting
dressed for a regular day at home.

Yesterday I tried on four
different tops
because I had to go to the
grocery store.

First one:
Too tight.
Second one:
Too short
Third one:
Too much cleavage
Forth one:
A big honkin' grease stain on the front.

I pulled my hair out
and stood in the closet
for what seemed like days-
just staring at an assortment
of clothing that
was too small, all wrong,
or just bad taste.

I got down on my knees
right then
and prayed that Stacy and Clinton
from TLC's What Not To Wear
would suddenly appear
in my living room
with a Visa card
and a cure for my
belly fat.

No one came.

So I just strapped on
an old football jersey,
some stretch pants
and flip flops
and went out into
this unfair old world.

A few years ago
I wouldn't have been caught dead
in that nerdy outfit.
I wouldn't have even wore it
in the garden.

But-
times change.
It's all about adapting.

And it's all about knowing
not to wear a butterfly suit
when you're a two ton gorilla.

I'm still on the wagon
but it's stuck
in a fashion nightmare
on Loser Street.

16 days to go.

Help!