Preparation

I find myself in sort of a panic lately. The calendar is slowly creeping up upon the 5th of January and I suddenly realize that I have a exhausting journey ahead of me. I cannot see all the work right now. I only envision the outcome. Kinda like building a new house. You can see the finished product in your head, but no one ever warned you about all the crap you have to go through just to get it done.
I try to tell myself that it is not a race. That losing weight is just getting down the road to the next day. It is avoiding "evil" foods- putting blinders on to temptation that ambushes you at every turn- it is keeping the faith and keeping on with the journey- no matter what.
Instead of dreading every morning, I tell myself that I must make each day count. If I see the good in every hour, then I will not see the trials ahead or the strength I will need further down the road. It's kinda like Spanish class. No use reading ahead- cause it ain't gonna work. Just learn and adapt day by day. Soon eating well and healthy will be like breathing.
I grow anxious. Fearful. Hopeful.
The journey of 200 days begins soon.

My Mistake

I was wrong about the Ritz and cheese and the pecan pie.
I just finished off an entire cheese ball, a sleeve and a half
of crackers and three fourths of a pecan pie.
The monsters are still very much alive.
I'm gonna need some bigger guns!

Getting Real

I think that in order for a person to really change, they have to not like themselves the way they are.
I think I've reached that point.

Every time I get ready to head out to the store or some social gathering, I kick myself for looking so horrible in my too-tight clothing. I hate my hair- it always looks worse on a fat face. And although nobody wants to talk about it- I feel dirty. Like I stink. Like the fat is permeating it's own unique smell that grosses everyone out. People truly do look at you differently when you're overweight.

I have dreams of sliding- (not stuffing) myself into a favorite pair of faded jeans. Those comfy ones with holes and worn places. Except in my dream, there is a hint of suntanned skin beneath the distressed fabric- and not a huge dumpling of pimply flesh rolling out like a swollen ear lobe.
And in my dream I have on a soft cotton shirt. White, with a long tail and a few buttons open in front. My tan bare feet are perfectly manicured- the sweet pink polish emphasizing my tiny ankles. My cute shiny hair is up in a messy pony tail, but looks fantastic.

I curl up in a chair and read a book, my husband gazing over at me once in a while with sheer love and lust on his face.
And I smell really good.

Not like fish grease or bbq or sausages and cheese. I smell like wild flowers and fresh air and tantalizing musk.
And I can breathe.
I can do things no fat woman can do.
And I finally like myself again.

Dreams do come true.
The journey of 200 days starts January 5th.

Saying Goodbye & Hello

In nineteen days I will begin a new quest. (Starting January 5, 2009)

It will be a search for the thin woman inside of me- for the "Me" that has been lost for awhile now.
I am not grossly obese, but I am in need of a lifestyle change. I know I am teetering on the point of no return. I must do it now- I have to lose the weight- or I become destined to wear stretchy pants the rest of my life.

I have set a goal for myself of 200 days. It sounds theatrical and romantic. And if I succeed- it will sound even sweeter. 200 days to melt away these unwanted pounds, stretch these unused muscles, and see my belly-button again!

So, like all fat people, I will load up on my favorite snacks and high calorie no-no's before my starting date. I am almost sick of cheese balls and Ritz and I really don't have a hankering for any more pecan pies. Pretty sure those two monsters are out of the picture.

But I must say goodbye to chips and cheese and brownies and butter. Bologna and garlic bread and ooey gooey butter cake. Pizza and pasta and cheeseburgers and cookies...

I will miss chocolate the most. That is my true fat love. That will be the hardest to say goodbye to.

Follow me if you will. I will take you on a journey of ups and downs, of successes and failures, of
new habits and new happiness mixed with tears and fears of surrender. A journey of gradually peeling away the fat woman to expose the hidden surprise.

A discovery of Finding Thin.

The journey of 200 days starts January 5.