The Secret Life Of A Cookie

I know she's looking for me.

I hear her tossing pots and pans
and cans of green beans
and bags of sugar.
I hear her cursing-
and slamming drawers -
and breathing extra heavily.

She forgot where she put me.

Forgot that she tucked me away
behind the VCR tapes in the
old TV cabinet.

But she remembers
how sweet I am-
how perfectly delicious.
How tender and chocolaty
and moist and satisfying.
She remembers how totally
fantastic I feel in her hands-
her tummy-
her life.

She's getting colder.

Now she's searching the deep freeze
in the garage
and behind the car seats.
I even heard her looking in
the linen closet
beneath the toilet paper
and in the dog's bed.

I know she can smell me.

I know the memory of me
is still like heaven-
that the aroma of my crumbs
can cause her heart to palpitate-
That she can't wait to
kiss my chocolate chips
and embrace my
sugar-sweetened delight.

What?

Listen.

I don't hear her anymore.

She's given up again.
She's stopped looking for me.
She's stopped trying to remember me.

What's that?

Is she really eating a salad?
How cruel she is to me!
Hides me away in shame
and then takes up
with a member of the
vegetable gang!

I don't think she even
loves me anymore.

****************

55 days to go.
Keep those cookies hidden.

Reality Sucks

Well, it's finally done.
I've made a positive step
to preserve my health,
contour my shape,
and make every muscle in my body
scream out in bloody murder.

I joined Curves.

Now- many of you may have
an opinion of whether this
really works or not.
Some say a traditional gym
would spawn better results.

But hey-
I'm trying this.
I figure I'll give it three months
to work some super magic-
and if not-
well, there's always other options.
Like wiring my jaws shut or something.

The worst part of the whole
registration process
was being weighed and measured.
I guess I was in denial.
But the results say that
I am in poor shape.

Really?
Maybe that's why I get winded
just tying my shoes
or why I turn into a couch potato
everyday at two.

I think I need structure.
Some consistent force
that keeps me on track.
And if it turns out to be
this exercise regimen-
then I will be thankful
that I finally sought help.

I don't want to have a bikini body.
I don't want to run a marathon.
I don't want to be able to lift a small car.

I just want to be comfortable in my own skin.
To breathe well,
look good,
and live long.

I'll keep you posted.

The Toddler Diet

While frantically searching yesterday
for a better diet aid to accelerate my
so-called plateau,
I ran across a totally new diet.

It's called the Toddler Diet.
It should be simple-
especially for those of you with
young children and
grandchildren.

I thought I might even give it a try
and see what happens!

(I did not write this.
I found this on a website).

DAY ONE

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and cloth.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (three sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, four sips of flat Sprite.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina DogChow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: Drop pieces of spaghetti onto back of dog, insert meatball into ear. Dump pudding into Kool-Aid and suck up with a straw.

REPEAT DAYS AS NEEDED!

Best Foot Forward

Well, you know what they say about
taking One step forward and
Two steps back?
I've been on the One step forward,
Ten steps back program.

And I could just crawl back into bed
and cry.

But-
I've decided that this is the time to
get into exercising.
If I can't quit eating-
then I need to burn off those
extra calories.
I am definitely going to join the gym
this week.

At least on a trial basis-
no contracts.
If I see results in four weeks-
then I'll make a long-term
commitment.

But isn't that what diets are?

So- hey friends-
forget the brats you had over the weekend-
the beer and cake and chips-

We have only 58 days
till the end of our journey.

I don't know about you,
but I want to keep moving forward-
So today I am recommitting myself
to the challenge.

All in favor, say "Aye!".
I will.
I can.
I must.

Break Time

I'm taking a short break/vacation
and will return on Monday, May 25th.
Hopefully by that time I will
have my house clean,
my yard mowed,
my garden out,
and some more weight off.

Keep on keeping on!

To be continued......

Neccessity Is The Mother Of Invention

I'm not sure if you all
have resorted to things such as
the Diet Patch,
but don't waste your money.

I have invented a home-made
diet patch of my own and
it works wonders!

Buy a box of large size
Band-aids.
Take a heavy duty hole punch
and place a hole directly
in the center of each
bandage.

Apply bandage to mouth.

Place a bendy straw in hole
to take in water,
protein shakes, Slim Fast
or Jack Daniels.

Change soiled bandage
when covered with cookie crumbs,
pizza cheese,
or anything else you tried to eat
through that little hole.

Let me know how it works for you!

INDD ?

Today is INDD.
International No Diet Day.

This is an annual celebration
of body acceptance and diversity.
See more at:

http://www.largesse.net/INDD/

Supporters of this holiday
voice concerns about the dangers of dieting,
self-esteem issues, and social discrimination.
They feel that the diet industry is
benefiting from "fatphobia".

Yet, I feel that if you
are dieting in a healthy way,
that it can prolong your life
and help you gain confidence.

You don't have to resort to
starving yourself
or having surgery.

Just cut out that extra hot dog,
mocha cappuccino,
and midnight snack.
Trim your choices-
don't alleviate them all together.

If I was told I could never have
another candy bar
the rest of my life,
all I would think about the
rest of my life
was that candy bar.

Avert your focus.
Too much food obsession
can backfire.
The secret is busying yourself
with other activities.

I mean,
when I go shopping for the day-
I rarely stop to eat.
I don't think about it.
I'm busy doing other things.
And by the time I get home,
I'm too tired to eat.

Read a book,
take a walk,
redecorate,
start a journal.

And if you want a piece
of chocolate-
then by all means,
have it!
But just make sure you
subtract something of
equal calories and fat
from your daily menu.
Or exercise it off.

There are days when I just
want to buy a whole bag of
Hershey's miniatures
and eat everyone of them-
(except the Mr. Goodbar-
which I don't really like).

But once I get busy doing other things,
I forget that urge.

Or at least replace it
with a healthier selection.

I made lasagna for company
over the weekend
and Monday morning there
were two pieces left in the fridge.

They haunted me.
So much that I took them out
and set them on a plate
and thought about microwaving them
for my lunch.

Then I thought to myself-
"You can have a great salad
and it will leave you feeling
just as satisfied as that lasagna."

Guess what.
The lasagna is still in
the fridge and destined
for the garbage today.

It feels good to say "no".

But if you want to celebrate
International No Diet Day,
then you certainly should.

But also remember that
it's not Pig Out Day
or Forget About Tomorrow Day-
that it is just a rest
from your strict schedule.
A mini-vacation.
A reprieve.

In twenty four hours
the wagon is going to
pull back up to your doorstep.

You're gonna climb in
and forget about today.

You're gonna get back
in the groove
and celebrate your journey
of Finding Thin.

Our time is too little
to be so big.

Eggciting Salads

For those of you who don't have the time
to sit around and surf the net
in your pajamas all day long-
for odd and unimportant facts-
I thought I'd let you know
that May is National Salad Month.

Who doesn't love a salad?

And it's not just lettuce anymore.

Salads are combinations of
vegetables and fruits,
nuts and pasta,
toasted croutons and dry noodles.
And there are so many kinds of lettuce
in the produce section today.
It's a great foundation for a
healthy, filling meal.

I personally like the flavor
of strawberries and feta together.
My husband likes peaches and
raisins on his salads.

But my problem is
that I cannot stand lo-fat
salad dressings.

I simply love Kraft's Poppy Seed
and even after a year of
trying others, I keep coming back to it-
attempting to use less or
blend it with vinegar to cut calories.

I rarely order a salad
when I'm eating out.
They always seem to serve the lettuce
in fist sized pieces
and throw in a half-green tomato
for color.
Plus, if you are dieting-
the chef salads are choc full
of calories and fat.
Which we don't need.
Right?

A hard boiled egg once in awhile
is really good in a salad.
I just always forget to boil some
ahead of time.

You can really spend a lot
beefing up a salad.

But nothing near the salad produced by
Raymond Blanc of London.
Here's a copy of his
amazing salad,
created to celebrate
National Salad Month.

(And remember- I think you double
the total to get American currency).

The Florette Sea and Earth Recipe Ingredients:

- Florette Baby Leaf salad           
GPB£0.50
- Almas golden caviar                  
£600.00 (50g)
- Beluga caviar                        
£9.00
- Truffle                               
£5.00
- Gold leaf                            
£5.00
- Kreel caught langoustines             
£5.00
- Cornish crab                         
£2.00
- Cornish lobster                       
£5.00
- Moulin Jean Marie Cornille olive oil  
£0.50
- Red romano peppers                    
£0.50
- Potato                                
£0.10
- 30yr old Balsamic Vinegar             
£3.00
- TOTAL                                
£635.60


Yeah.
I think I'll buy that television
I was looking at instead.

So-
have fun with your food.
Decorate that salad and make it a meal.
Try to keep it healthy and low fat
and be sure to add  a wide variety
of flavors and textures.

Celebrate National Salad Month.

Oh.
By the way-
I guess I conveniently forgot to mention-
It's also National Burger Month.

Be strong.
We're almost to the finish line.

Alternative Methods

Another great way to diet
that I haven't even discussed yet
is the Hillbilly Diet.

When traditional methods of
calorie counting
and daily exercise
seem to fail,
it might be time to pack your bags
and head for the hills.

Be sure to take bug repellent,
sturdy boots,
your frog gig,
and your own toilet paper.

The hillbillies will supply
all your meals.
That's the big secret.

A few years ago,
I was on the Hillbilly Diet
for an entire week
and I lost 8.35 pounds.

And you can do it, too.

First of all,
even your 4-wheel drive
won't handle the pot holes
and creek beds on the
way to Cousin Billy-Bubba's.
Don't even try.

A brisk two mile walk
through briers,
a quick dip in a swift running creek,
and a few running jumps
across rattlesnake beds-
and you might just make it
to the old homestead.

Accommodations will be made for you
in the furnace room,
back porch,
tool shed,
or collapsing lean-to.
Sometime Hillbillies are kind
enough to throw their dogs
out of the extra recliner
so that you can sleep there.

So- to start with-
your appetite is already
not what it used to be.

At mealtime,
you can't begin to count the
flies on the roasting ears,
the hairs on the smoked possum,
or the lumps in the buttermilk.

And it seems they have a rabid dog
that guards the fridge-
just in case you were considering a
midnight snack.

By day they'll have you
hauling water,
chopping firewood,
picking off ticks,
and ridin' 4-wheelers.
Hanging out laundry,
picking up beer cans
and cleaning deer carcass.

On the Hillbilly Diet,
you will find muscles
and gag reflexes
you never knew you had!

After a grueling day on the homestead,
don't even think about a good night's sleep.
It's virtually impossible-
what with the turkeys gobblin',
and the Bigfoot howling,
and Uncle Jud trying to sneak
a peek at your
"purdy PJ's".

Breakfast is hot milk
straight from the cow-
biscuits with weevils
baked right in-
and jelly from some bush
down yonder a-ways.

Lunch is squirrel brains,
boiled okra,
pickled pig's feet
and moonshine.

Dinner is poached deer
(and I do mean poached!),
pork rinds,
breaded "innards"
and a Moonpie for dessert.

After two days,
I could just feel myself
growing leaner!

What magic!
Those hillbillies sure
know the secret,
I can tell you that!

So- hey-
I've got connections in the holler
if you decide it's time for a change.

Just let me know
so I can have Uncle Jud
waiting for you!

Until The Checkered Flag Has Waved

I wanted to take a moment today
to apologize.
To say I'm sorry for starting this blog
and trying to pump you all up
and being just a simple hypocrite.

I've plateaued on this diet
and been sitting at a standstill
for over a month.
I've not heeded my own advice,
listened to my own motivation
or followed my goals.

I'm sorry.

But, on the other hand,
I am even more determined
to make sure we meet
at the finish line together.
How embarrassing would it be
if I finished my own race
in last place?

I woke up this morning
with a prayer-
for strength and thankfulness
and a request for a fresh start-
a new-found urge
to do the right thing.

I can't let you all down.

I can't let myself down.

I'm still in this race, but
I am still learning along the way.

The journey isn't over yet.
And neither is Hope.

I've got up,
dusted myself off,
and started on the trail
for another day.

Accept my apology
but come along
and kick my butt!

Quick Fact of The Day

She snuck right in without detection-
the girl that lives in my reflection.