Alternative Methods

Another great way to diet
that I haven't even discussed yet
is the Hillbilly Diet.

When traditional methods of
calorie counting
and daily exercise
seem to fail,
it might be time to pack your bags
and head for the hills.

Be sure to take bug repellent,
sturdy boots,
your frog gig,
and your own toilet paper.

The hillbillies will supply
all your meals.
That's the big secret.

A few years ago,
I was on the Hillbilly Diet
for an entire week
and I lost 8.35 pounds.

And you can do it, too.

First of all,
even your 4-wheel drive
won't handle the pot holes
and creek beds on the
way to Cousin Billy-Bubba's.
Don't even try.

A brisk two mile walk
through briers,
a quick dip in a swift running creek,
and a few running jumps
across rattlesnake beds-
and you might just make it
to the old homestead.

Accommodations will be made for you
in the furnace room,
back porch,
tool shed,
or collapsing lean-to.
Sometime Hillbillies are kind
enough to throw their dogs
out of the extra recliner
so that you can sleep there.

So- to start with-
your appetite is already
not what it used to be.

At mealtime,
you can't begin to count the
flies on the roasting ears,
the hairs on the smoked possum,
or the lumps in the buttermilk.

And it seems they have a rabid dog
that guards the fridge-
just in case you were considering a
midnight snack.

By day they'll have you
hauling water,
chopping firewood,
picking off ticks,
and ridin' 4-wheelers.
Hanging out laundry,
picking up beer cans
and cleaning deer carcass.

On the Hillbilly Diet,
you will find muscles
and gag reflexes
you never knew you had!

After a grueling day on the homestead,
don't even think about a good night's sleep.
It's virtually impossible-
what with the turkeys gobblin',
and the Bigfoot howling,
and Uncle Jud trying to sneak
a peek at your
"purdy PJ's".

Breakfast is hot milk
straight from the cow-
biscuits with weevils
baked right in-
and jelly from some bush
down yonder a-ways.

Lunch is squirrel brains,
boiled okra,
pickled pig's feet
and moonshine.

Dinner is poached deer
(and I do mean poached!),
pork rinds,
breaded "innards"
and a Moonpie for dessert.

After two days,
I could just feel myself
growing leaner!

What magic!
Those hillbillies sure
know the secret,
I can tell you that!

So- hey-
I've got connections in the holler
if you decide it's time for a change.

Just let me know
so I can have Uncle Jud
waiting for you!