Move It or Lose It, Sista !

Is it just my imagination,
or is everybody on the face of the earth
on a diet?

Well, if they're not-
I wish they'd get the
hell out of the Lean Cuisine aisle
and back to the bakery
where they belong.

I mean, it's hard enough
juggling a suitcase-sized purse,
calculator,
calorie guide,
and a grocery cart
with a lop-sided squeaky wheel-
without having to wedge myself
between two gabbing
home room mothers
in order to reach the cabbage.

...Or force myself between
the army of people
selecting their three for a dollar
chicken breast specials...

...Or practically risking my life
by taking the last box of
fat free ice cream in the dairy case...

The grocery store has
become a war zone.
Everybody is fighting mad
about the prices to begin with-
then deny a dieter a Weight Watcher muffin
and see what happens!

I try to be a "get in and get out"
kind of shopper.
But people who have their lives
tuned to slow-motion
have really put the damper on me lately.

They have to squeeze and smell
and hold the fruit.

-Poke and press and paw the veggies.

-Hold a roast in their hands
for ten minutes straight
trying to decide
if it's what they want for dinner.

But I am sending out this warning-
"You don't wanna mess with me."
I can cripple your cart
in two seconds flat
and have you
blubbering over the broccoli
like a soap-opera star gone bad.

I can't help but feel
like I'm running with a herd of buffaloes
every time I enter the WalMart Super Center.
And there just ain't enough
Hostess-100-Calorie-
Chocolate-Creme-Filled-Cakes
to go around.
Believe me.

And another thing that gets my goat-
is fighting for a spot in front of the
frozen food selection
against Miss Anna Rexic
who needs a low fat Panini
like she needs another
rib poking out!
Go plump up on some
Oreo Double Stuff, will ya?

I think I understand why
a lot of dieters try the Nutri-System.
The food comes right to your door-
all prepackaged and measured
and stuff-

So what if its a couple of dried peas
and dehydrated turkey jerky?
At least you're safe at home.

It's a wonder that a gal like me
can even survive this diet process.
Selecting, shopping and
buying the food has turned into
such an extreme sport.

Then you get it home
and it all tastes like
fiber-induced vitamin wafers
or Styrofoam loaded lunch delights.

Good thing I grabbed
the last box of WW muffins!