Exposed!

While passing the lingerie aisle
in the store last week,
I decided to do a quick run through-
just to see what my options
are going to be
once I am thin again.

Yes-
how exhilarating it would be
to shed the flannel mu-mu
for a silky slip
or nix the fluffy socks
for some sexy hose
or lose that industrial strength
under wire bra for
something Victoria is
keeping a secret.

Honestly-
How do women wear those thongs?
Mine would get lost under flaps and crevices
and my exposed buttocks would
jiggle worse than jello in an earthquake.

There was nothing in that
particular store that shouted
Plus Size Beauty.
In fact, there doesn't seem to be
anything like that
anywhere on the planet.

A saleslady appeared and
offered her help-
her tiny body clad in a
muscle-bearing sleeveless dress
(In white, even)-
her tan legs jutting out
like long perfect appendages-
her makeup flawless-
her teeth as white as
an all day snow fall-
her attitude one of pity
and concern.

"May I help you? she asked,
giving me the total tip of the head
to tip of the toes
once-over stare.

"Oh, just looking at the panties."
I sighed, trying to suck my gut in.

"Boxers or Briefs?" she said, her
pink Vaseline-intensified-super-glossy
lipstick puckering in disapproval.

I don't know who I hated more
at that moment-
her-
or myself-
or that darn Victoria!