My Future's So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades

I missed Valerie Bertinelli
on Oprah yesterday.
She was supposed to be showing off
her great new bikini body.

Heck- I'd show it off, too.
She's what? Forty-something?

I quit wearing bathing suits
at thirty-something.

There was something just not right
about exposing the world
to curdled cellulite,
purple spider veins
and rolls of mole-y white skin.
The world just wasn't ready for it.

I suppose that is one thing that has
never been part of my big dream.
I don't vision myself in a swim suit-
I don't aspire to go to the beach
in a bikini someday.
I'm past that.
Really.

My dream is to get into
a great pair of jeans
and a great fitted top
and be comfortable
and confident.

(Plus, to find a good hairstyle
and shoes that fit
and a bra whose wires
don't strangle me.)

And a nice purse.

And a versatile jacket.

And cool pajamas.

Yes, I suppose you can say
I want it all.
Except for the bathing suit part.

The last suit I had
was a giant moo-moo looking garb
that my sister bought me
so that we could get in the river
during our camping trips.

Other than the fact that
we looked like twin hippos out there,
the neon pink and green fabric
was only a flashing sign to
everyone that said:
"Hey, look at us- we are giant old ladies in swim suits.
With attached skirts.
And we can't even swim!"

I say let Valerie have her day in the sun.

I'll spend mine
window-shopping for skinny clothes.
Ain't it gonna be great?